One Last Hit | A Sobriety and Addiction Recovery Podcast

SPEAKER_04: Oh man, you guys are
in for it today.

What's happening, everybody?

My name is Austin.

Welcome to the One Last Hit
Podcast.

Joining me today, very special
guest, Ms.

Nicole G.

Nicole, what's happening?

SPEAKER_00: What's up?

How you doing?

SPEAKER_04: Dude.

Oh man, I'm good.

I'm good.

So Nicole's uh like best friends
with my wife, and and and Haley

texted Nicole to to see if she
would come on the podcast.

And do you want to tell everyone
what you replied back with?

SPEAKER_01: Um I said, yeah,
let's get some clam in the

sausage.

What did I call?

SPEAKER_04: Yeah, you said let's
get some clam in the sausage

part.

What was so funny was Haley's
phone was on the counter and my

15-year-old, who's like one of
us, it's fine.

Yeah, she was the first one to
read it.

And Haley goes, What did Nicole
say?

And Maddie goes, Oh, you should
probably read that one yourself.

Dude, it was it was awful.

And I'm so glad that we have you
here.

And the only thing I know about
your story is that Haley said

you were fucking nuts when you
came through the door.

SPEAKER_01: I keep I keep
thinking about that.

Um, she always used to say I was
like the weird Barbie because I

had like half of my head shaved.

That was a very big thing
though, back when I got sober.

It was like the Rihanna like
side shave haircut thing.

SPEAKER_04: Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01: And I remember when
I did that, it was before I went

to treatment because I was like,
I don't have a job, I have

nothing going on, I have no
reason to like look respectable,

so may as well shave my head.

So I did that.

Um, and that's what I was
rocking when she first met me in

the halfway house.

But yeah, I mean, I was I was a
totally different person than I

am now.

SPEAKER_04: My second wife, um,
the schizophrenic lesbian, she

uh no, that's I shouldn't refer
to her that way.

That's terrible.

SPEAKER_01: How many wives are
we on now?

SPEAKER_04: Well, uh three.

Uh Haley is my third wife.

That's okay.

My job's on the five.

Haley's my final wife.

Yeah, I'm I don't have energy
for for that sort of thing

anymore.

Um uh but she she was like, yo,
should I shave the side of my

head?

And and she did it, and I really
liked it.

Like I dug it.

It was it was a thing for a
while.

SPEAKER_02: So it was a thing.

Yeah, it was.

SPEAKER_04: So we're gonna hear
we're gonna hear all about the

ways that you destroyed your
life.

And I want everyone to know how
long you sober, Nicole, long

time.

SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh.

So next almost 12 years.

Next month it'll be 12 years,
yeah.

SPEAKER_04: Okay, so 12 years
sober, Nicole wanted to make

sure there were no wrinkles in
her bed.

Uh video.

We're gonna hear about, you
know.

That's so funny.

I know it's great, it's great.

So let's let's kick it off, man.

What uh how'd you start life,
man?

Where'd you grow up?

SPEAKER_01: Oh man, I'm from
Phoenix, Arizona.

Uh, if you can't tell by all of
my fun tattoos I'm doing lately,

yeah.

I'm like starting a desert
theme.

Cool.

Um, I didn't have any of this.

It's an alien.

You have it's a yeah, it's a
UFO.

SPEAKER_04: Yeah, cool.

SPEAKER_01: It's fun, right?

Um Phoenix, Arizona, the born in
the desert, heat of the desert.

Um, I was born to an alcoholic
and a drug addict.

So that is kind of what set me
up for life.

Um yeah, and I talk about this
in my story because I think it's

very important.

Um, I didn't really understand
all the things that went into I

think making me an addict and an
alcoholic and whatever I am.

Um, but I know that that's where
it started.

So I was born into a family of
addiction and alcoholism on both

sides, and they were still very
much in their disease when they

had me.

Probably no business having a
baby at that point.

Um, but you know, that was their
choice.

Uh I was born and raised there
my whole life until I ended up

moving to Florida and uh getting
sober.

SPEAKER_04: What did that feel
like as a kid?

Being, I mean, did you know that
your parents were like getting

fucked up all the time?

SPEAKER_01: So, and this is the
story I tell everybody too, and

the way I the story that I know
is what I've heard from my

parents, right?

So there's always this side,
that side, and the truth.

So everybody experiences it
differently for what what their

life is at that point, right?

So my dad, and this is the
story, sorry, I'm stuck.

This is the story that they tell
everybody, or my dad always told

everybody was that my dad met my
mom at Home Depot, and she was

working at Home Depot.

Um, and he was 26 and she was
19.

So he picked up a younger chick.

Um, they fell in love right from
there, and then they were

inseparable.

Um the alcoholism for my dad was
we'll say manageable to the

point where he could still work
and still like maintain some

sort of life.

Um, but he very much had like
youngest child man baby syndrome

where he was like enabled by his
parents, blah, blah, blah.

Um, but my mom was like super
fucked up from her own

childhood.

Um, and I don't not to like put
her on blast, but like she

experienced some serious trauma
when she was young.

Um, and it happened within the
family.

So with her dad and her, there
was some weird shit going on um

that really like traumatized
her.

SPEAKER_03: Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: And she started
drinking and using from an early

age.

Um, she had my older sister when
she was like 15.

So she was a baby having babies,
and then she just kept having

babies.

Um, so I was my mom's second
baby, and I guess like, and in

Arizona, like meth is always
really big.

Can we talk about like actual
substances?

SPEAKER_03: Yes.

SPEAKER_01: Okay.

So methamphetamines were huge in
Arizona, still are.

I'm sure they're big everywhere,
um, but especially out there.

Uh, that was, I guess, her drug
of choice for a long time.

Um, she was using it supposedly,
like when around the time I was

born.

She denies it.

Um, everybody else in my family
says that she was using while

she was pregnant.

I don't know, whatever.

Um, all I know is that I came
out um with like severe ADHD.

So I don't I don't know if that
like has something to do with

it, but um they got married.

My mom was pregnant in their
wedding video.

When I was a little kid, I used
to go and I used to find this

wedding video because I was
living with my grandparents like

intermittently half the time.

And I used to go and like dig
through like the family cabinet,

and I would find this like
wedding video for my mom and

dad.

And they were young, it was in
the backyard.

My mom was wearing a pink dress,
pregnant with me, probably like

six or seven months.

Um, and I remember looking at it
and thinking she was the most

beautiful woman I had ever seen
in my entire life because I

didn't have her in my life.

Um, that's what addiction did to
my mom.

So when I was like eight months
old, my parents were already

separated.

Um, and that caused my mom, not
that, but her addiction caused

her to lose her parental rights
over me.

So the story goes, my dad went
to pick me up one time, and I

was in the backseat of her car,
and she was just like loaded out

of her mind, and I was like
screaming in the car seat.

So he snatched me out of the car
and said, You're never seeing

your fucking daughter again.

Uh kick rocks, basically.

That's and that's obviously I
don't remember this, but that

was my start, I guess.

Um that actually led to that's
the dysfunction, right?

Like that's that's the type of
dysfunction.

Um, and that's I think where the
start of the hole in my heart

happened.

And I have a bunch of like weird
random memories of like seeing

my mom in childhood.

Um, because I guess at some
point my dad decided to go

against the court order and just
like let her see me, like here

and there.

I remember moments of when my
dad like wanted to go do some

random thing, like get his
nipples pierced, so he would

drop me off at my maternal
grandma's house.

Hey, can you watch the kids?

So there was like some contact,
but it was so like dysfunctional

and infrequent.

Um, at one point, I was staying
at my mom's house.

I was like five years old.

She's having other kids at this
point.

She's got other husbands.

Her husband at that point was a
meth cook who was in and out of

prison.

And the story goes that they
were, this is not Vaseline, this

is an AirPods case.

I'm not the story goes, they
were like living in this house,

and he was like cooking meth
like in the house, and the kids

have like weird fucked up teeth
from it, and like it's whatever.

Um, but I was at that house,
like visiting her.

I remember trauma from that.

I remember visiting her at a
random apartment one time, and

some dude broke in and was like
smashing the dishes and beating

the shit out of her.

I was like two years old, like
two and a half years old, like

smashing everything, breaking
everything in the house.

And he was wearing a pink shirt
and his name was Sam, because I

don't know why I remember this.

It was like an old boyfriend.

It's trauma, right?

Like as a little kid, like
that's some of my earliest

memories.

Um, and then all I remember is
my big sister, who's four years

older than me, um, just scooping
me up because I was standing in

the hallway and I'm just like
crying like this, like like

watching everything, just
horrified of what's happening in

front of me.

And I remembered little arms
just like scooping from behind

me and just dragging me like
down the hallway.

And then I remember the sliding
closet and my big sister pulling

me in and putting me on top of
her and closing it.

And I just remember her saying,
Shh, shh, it's okay, it's okay.

unknown: Shh.

SPEAKER_01: So you have these
children who are already

experiencing such a level of
dysfunction.

Everyone's in survival mode.

My mom's in survival mode.

She's, you know, a young addict
at this point, and she doesn't

doing the best she can, right?

So these types of memories,
that's what I grew up with.

Um varying degrees, but I don't
remember much else from that

except that my grandpa showed up
to come get me.

So my dad's dad is this
important character.

Um, and my grandparents were
kind of my like safety net my

whole life.

Um, and then eventually that
story ends with both of them

dying.

So I had some normalcy and some
togetherness, like as a child.

Um, and then eventually that
goes away.

So my story is just consistently
an empty hole in my heart that I

wanted to have a mother.

Um being profoundly influenced
and changed by that.

Uh watching the wedding video,
also, you know, sneaking up out

of bed in the middle of the
night to go like find a family

album with pictures of my mom in
it when I was like five or six

years old, and just looking at
her and being sad, like shit

like that.

Uh just empty whole, confused,
no control.

Don't know why things are
happening to me.

And then there's my dad who's um
kind of in and out.

Uh, I would live with him
sometimes.

He would sometimes be able to
pay rent on his apartment.

Uh, we would live with different
girlfriends, and I would live

with his different wives.

Uh, he's on wife number six
right now.

He is at this point where he
refers to them as W.

So W2, W four, W six.

It's probably insane, dude.

SPEAKER_04: Yeah, dude.

I heard somebody the other day
who called I forget the

speaker's name, man, but he
called he called his first wife

God's will number one.

That's what he was calling.

And God's will number two.

Like, oh my God.

But anyhow, sorry, back.

How old were you when when your
grandparents passed?

SPEAKER_01: So my grandpa passed
when I was 12.

So he passed much sooner than my
grandma.

Um, but he was like the strong
male like figure that was really

stable and kind, and like his
presence was just so funny and

fun and like loving.

And like that's what I remember
about my grandpa is like

everybody loved him.

He was awesome.

He was fun.

That's my cat.

SPEAKER_00: Hello.

SPEAKER_01: Um, but uh I was 12,
and the thing that I really

remember about it, he was a
World War II veteran.

Um, there was maybe some shit
about like them testing like

mustard gas on him, and that
like led to like some cancer.

We were looking into like suing
whatever.

I don't know.

Um, but he developed esophageal
cancer.

I knew he was sick when I was a
kid.

Um, I was also going through my
own shit at that age too.

So I don't know why nobody
really told me what was

happening.

He was dying, they tried
treatments, it wasn't working.

Um there was an end date.

I'm I'm guessing everybody else
knew about it.

But for me, the way I found out
that it was happening was uh we

started going to the hospital
more and more.

Um, my dad had gone through, I
think, his third divorce at that

point.

Uh, so he was actually staying
in one of the bedrooms at my

grandparents' house and I was
living there.

I think he had like left me
there for a while because it was

like kind of staple when I was
in school, whatever.

Um but one night um I remember
and I had broken my leg because

my dad took me skiing for the
first time.

That was his Christmas present,
was he bought me a lift pass.

Um, in Arizona, there's this ski
place called Snowball.

He, I'm sure, was drunk.

He was he was always drinking,
right?

Um, last run of the day, I was
tired.

Uh, I didn't have any ski
lessons.

I was figuring it out.

Um, but my dad's way to teach me
how to ski was to just put me at

the top and send me down.

There was no like pizza french
fries, you know, bunny hill

shit.

Yeah, it was like, well, you're
gonna do it.

You're gonna do it.

So last run of the day, um, I'm
tired.

I didn't want to do it anymore.

I hit a tree and I broke my I
broke my leg.

And um the ski basically like
clipped the tree like at the

perfect point where it bent my
leg like this.

And it broke my I broke my
tibia, I broke my fibia, I broke

my ankle, I broke another bone
in my ankle.

Uh, but I didn't hit the tree.

I was like this far away from
hitting the tree.

And somehow behind the tree was
a guy who was like with the ski

patrol and had a radio.

And like the tree that I hit
already had like a medical

professional waiting at it.

And then they took me down, got
me whatever.

Um, that's a whole story in
itself.

But that's also the
unmanageability of like my

father's alcoholism, is like
making unsound choices, putting

me in dangerous situations.

Um, he did the best he could,
but like I see it now as an

adult.

So I'm laid up in bed.

I have this broken leg uh at the
family home.

I can't get out of bed.

Um, and I hear my grandma
yelling from my dad.

Uh, and my dad's name is Matt.

So I just hear, Matt, Matt, get
out of bed, get out of bed.

Something's wrong with your dad.

And I can't get up.

I can't see anything.

I don't know what's happening.

I just hear this escalation of
like people yelling for each

other in the house.

Um, and then eventually I see
lights from an ambulance, and

um, something happened to my
grandpa.

I guess what had happened was
that he had had a stroke um and

he was bleeding, so not to be
graphic, um, but he ended up

having a stroke in the bathroom,
and then they took him to the

hospital, and then he was there
for three days before he died.

Um, he was in ICU for a while.

Family was there.

Um, that really that was really
horrible.

But um eventually I was able to
get there even with the broken

leg.

Somebody came and got me.

Um, and I was holding his hand
when he died.

And that was that was yeah, that
was like the last super stable

person I had.

The only person that I really
felt safe with was gone.

So I think that's kind of like
right where all of my mental

health issues really kicked off.

Like it was already there, it
was a recipe already ready to

go, but that really it really by
12.

SPEAKER_04: You've you've gone
through a lot at this point.

So yeah, I mean, that's a lot.

I remember doing a timeline in
rehab, but I've done I've done a

lot of timelines, but but one of
them I remember looking at

myself and going, This kid was
fucked from jump, like me being

that kid, you know, and and you
definitely had a rough start.

So, like, where do we go from
here?

Like, what happens after grandpa
passes?

SPEAKER_01: So it there was
other things going on too at the

time.

I struggled in school.

I was kind of a book nerd.

Um, I didn't, I was quiet, I
didn't really have a lot of

friends.

Um, I had already had thoughts
of like wanting to die at that

point.

Um, and then I think the grandpa
dying just made it worse.

Um, I was bullied because I was
a little bit chunkier.

Um, people made fun of me for
being fat and like the fat and

ugly chick.

I still remember this.

I'm 37 years old, and I still
remember like a kid in class

saying, Why do you always talk
to ugly chicks, fat and ugly

chicks like Nicole?

Like, so that like right, like
that very much stuck with me.

Um, and I was eighth grade, like
young kids are horrible.

SPEAKER_04: Like it's just part
of fucking mean, dude.

SPEAKER_01: Kids are fucking.

So um, yeah, these kids that
were bullying, bullying me in

middle school.

I was coming home crying every
day.

Like I was I had it rough, dude.

Like it was not, I had it rough
and I had no power and I had no

solution as a child.

Um, so I think that probably led
to like overeating.

Um, that was probably my first
drug, um, which I think that was

really the only thing that I
could control at that point.

Um, and and that's something
that I don't really talk about

too often uh in like the
recovery settings, but I think

it's a big one.

Um, because as soon as I got
sober this last time, it was

what is it?

It's nicotine and it's food and
it's caffeine.

Like there's always something,
right?

Um but because of the bullying,
my grandpa dying, uh, some

people in my life, my aunt
particular, she's like the the

one other person who is not like
a raging alcoholic or addict.

Um and she was kind of like a
stable figure in my life, like

pushing my dad to like do better
and like making sure I had the

things that I needed to a
degree.

Um, but it also wasn't her
responsibility.

So yeah, um, she pushed me to go
to a private high school instead

of following all of my bullies
to the the public school, which

I think was the best decision um
from a bullying standpoint.

And it was also a decision that
led to me meeting certain people

and making certain choices, and
then yeah, kind of got the ball

rolling because the rich kids
have the rich kids can afford

the drugs.

Better drugs, yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_04: Exactly.

SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04: So when did what how
old were you when you first uh

drank or used?

SPEAKER_01: So um I was 14 and
I'm at uh I'm at this this new

private high school and I'm
finally making friends.

And ironically, the friends that
I had were two girls that I was

friends with at the public
middle school who had also gone

to um the private high school,
and I'm still friends with these

girls to this day.

Um, but I'm with my friend in
her bedroom and uh uh a kid from

the boys' school, so it's
Catholic school, it's like boys

and girls school.

Um, so one of her friends from
the boys' school, we were all

hanging out in her room, just
like being goofy, uh, watching

Monty Python, and she had a
bottle of something, and um they

pulled it out and started taking
shots, and she offered them to

me, and it wasn't even a
question.

There was no like, oh maybe I
shouldn't do this.

Like, there was none of that.

Like it was just like that's
that was it.

Like it was it was the the the
thing they talk about, like the

warmth and the calm and the
okay.

Um I think for me the biggest
thing was like socially, I felt

capable and I felt fun, I felt
funny.

I didn't feel like I had
anything to hide or worry about.

Um, so that that was really my
first taste of what a solution

was.

Um yeah, it was great.

Uh, even as a child.

And like looking back on this
too, like as an adult now who's

sober, um, I'm a step parent.

So I, you know, have my share of
like responsibility to some

degree, right?

Um, but like looking back like
on like little Nicole and like

the choices that I was making
and like the lack of guidance

and supervision I had, it's
pretty horrifying.

Like, yeah.

So I was 14 years old and I went
from having my first drink to

trying my first drug to having
my first kiss to losing my

virginity all within like a
frame of like two months.

So all of these things that
happened to me very quickly, um,

and it fundamentally I think
changed the course of my life

because I discovered love as a
drug too.

Um, I discovered attention as a
drug.

So I, you know, not to like
change topic, but I also

started, you know, dating like
an older person.

Um, I'll say.

I mean, I was 14, he was 18.

Um without like talking poorly
about this person because you

know, an 18-year-old is still
kind of a child, anyways, like a

legal adult, but still a child.

Like it was just a recipe for
disaster.

Um, so I started hanging out
with older kids and I started

experiencing like things that
were in their circle, like

harder drugs.

Um, and my drinking increased as
I was still going to school, and

I was also sneaking out every
night, like it was.

It was bad.

Oh, my friend taught me too how
to um apparently, if you didn't

know this, hopefully there's no
kids watching.

Um, if you just like pry off the
magnets on the window that like

triggers the alarm, like if you
just pry them off and tape them

together, you can just go in and
out of your window without

setting off the family alarm
system.

SPEAKER_04: Damn, don't tell my
kids that.

SPEAKER_01: Oh my god.

Yeah, you're in trouble.

SPEAKER_03: Yeah.

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: So we did that, and
then I was in and out of my

window every single night, um,
hanging out with this boy,

getting high, drinking, having
sex, like at like 14, 15, like

still a child.

Yeah.

So I basically was just trying
to escape and disappear from my

situation.

Any opportunity I had, uh, I
started to not really care about

anything else.

Um, so mind you, I'm still in
private school at this point.

So I would sneak out at night,
get my dose of attention and

drugs and love and like these
things that I was so starved

for.

And then I would set my alarm on
my Nokia and brick phone, and I

would sneak back into the house
uh like an hour before I had to

be awake.

Um, sometimes I would sleep,
sometimes I wouldn't, and I

would go to school.

So I was maintaining school
somehow.

Um through I I don't even know
how I did it, but I did I

graduated.

But at that point, I had also
graduated and I had also tried

so many other substances.

Um it was we were kind of like
the burnout circle.

SPEAKER_03: Sure.

SPEAKER_01: Um but you know, my
friend's house was the party

house on the weekends.

So during that time, I basically
lived from one moment to the

next, like just getting all my
shit done during the week that I

had to get done in order to get
to that party on Friday.

And in order to get my pack of
cigarettes, I would save my

lunch money to buy cigarettes
because, like, not to put them

on blast, but there was this
liquor store that would let high

school kids buy cigarettes if
you came through the drive-thru

and not into the store.

So I would save up my lunch
money to buy a pack of Marlboro.

And then I would ask my friend
with the car to drive through

the drive-thru liquor store so
we could get cigarettes.

SPEAKER_04: Hell yeah.

SPEAKER_01: And we were in our
uniform, we were in a Catholic

school uniform and like, do I
have a pack of Marlboro, please?

And the guy would look at us
like, here we go.

SPEAKER_04: Different, different
times though, man.

I mean, you know, it's I
wouldn't trade it for anything.

We had yeah, we had one of those
stores too.

So who are you living with at
this time when you're still?

Oh my gosh.

Is that your aunt?

SPEAKER_01: Um, so uh no, I'm
living with my grandma at this

point.

SPEAKER_03: So your grandma,
okay.

SPEAKER_01: Yes.

So my grandma was also old as
shit, but she had her own like

kind of like bipolar type stuff.

Like, I just remember she was
very like hot and cold.

Um, I mean it might have been a
problem too, like having to

raise somebody else's teenager
as like an 80-year-old woman.

Um, there were a couple
instances, and she was very

Catholic, very Irish.

So very Irish Catholic.

She didn't drink at this point,
um, but she had her fair share

of alcoholism back in her days.

She saw what I did to my entire
family.

Um, and she had the tools that
she had, right?

Hang on, I have to burp.

SPEAKER_04: Yeah, burp away.

Oh, nice.

That was a good one.

SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry.

I chose a beverage today that's
also a snack, which is like

coconut water.

Why the fuck would I choose
something?

Like, choose something that I
have to like also chew.

It's like, oh, I'll take a sip.

Like, like, hang on.

SPEAKER_04: Is it chunky?

SPEAKER_01: Yes.

SPEAKER_04: Oh shit, man.

Shit.

SPEAKER_01: So, anyways, my
grandma was kind of like a

bipolar.

She was scary.

Like, she was a scary
motherfucker.

Like, she would look you
straight in the face and be

like, God's gonna get you.

SPEAKER_04: Oh man.

SPEAKER_01: Yeah, like devout
Catholic.

She would go to church multiple
times a week.

Um, and that's I think where
like my first impression of God

came in.

My higher power right there was
like this punishing, like, I'm

gonna smite you and wipe you off
the face of the earth for having

premarital sex and being a
whore.

And uh that there were a couple
times where she did, I would say

out of like 365 days of the year
where I snuck out, she caught me

twice.

So statistically, that's like
not a bad track record.

SPEAKER_04: Pretty solid, yeah,
yeah.

SPEAKER_01: Yeah.

But on the time where she did
catch me, she slapped me across

the face.

And I remember her saying,
You're just a whore like your

mother.

Um, so that is also a prevalent
part of my story, is that I have

this one side of the family that
thinks my mom is a horrible

person and trashy and a whore
and blah, blah, blah.

Um, so I remember hearing that
narrative a lot that like my mom

was a terrible person.

That side of the family is
trailer trash.

Um, they're no good.

So there was also a conflict
inside of me because I wanted to

know them.

Um, I missed my mom.

There was a hole that was inside
of me that just wanted to fill

it with my mom and that side of
the family, and I wanted to know

them.

So I also kind of felt bad
because I was hearing this from

my family I lived with, my dad's
family, that like they were

horrible and trashy and just bad
people, and they make bad

choices.

But yeah.

SPEAKER_04: So that's a lot
before you even graduate high

school.

What what drugs were you doing
at this point?

SPEAKER_01: So at this point, I
had gone from alcohol to weed,

and those are my daily, like not
daily drivers, but like that was

my normal whatever, right?

Um, and then I had tried, I had
tried mushrooms, I had tried

ecstasy, um, cocaine, and this
is probably from the time that I

was like 14 to 18, we'll say.

Um what else?

I still have never smoked crack.

I don't know why I'm proud of
that.

I think because my my husband
has and like pretty much

everyone I know has.

SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I I was big,
big ass crackhead, you know.

SPEAKER_01: I believe it.

SPEAKER_04: Well, you know, I
wanted to ingest more cocaine

than my nose would allow.

I just had to go a different
route, you know?

SPEAKER_01: Yeah, for sure.

Scrape the noggin.

Yeah.

Um oh, also pills.

I had tried like random pills at
that point, because who hasn't,

right?

Um pain pills ended up being the
thing that I tried, I think,

when I was like 18.

That I really, really liked it.

Like just the it's just if there
was a painkiller for life and

all of life's experiences, like
that was it.

Obiates, that was my jam.

Um, but yeah, and that's where
everything kind of, that's where

the shit hit the fan.

Like that's tell me about
everything.

Everything became unfunction
unfunctional.

Like I was totally dysfunctional
once I found that.

And then once I started
increasing how much I was doing

that.

Uh, and it was let's say from
age 18, um, where I was

occasionally like getting a
couple pills from friends.

Uh, like, oh, hey, do you have
any more of those percocets?

Like, I have a headache.

Yeah, that's fine.

Here's two five milligram
percocets.

And then a couple months later,
I'd be like, Oh, do you have any

more of those?

Like, yeah, that's fine.

Here you go.

Like, it wasn't even a big deal.

It was not a big deal until it
was, right?

Like, till it was.

Uh, I ended up going to college,
kinda.

Um, my aunt really wanted me to
have the good old college

experience.

So I graduated from high school,
applied to ASU, which is a

notorious party school.

SPEAKER_03: Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: Um, and I spent a
lot of time there just not

really being there, not going to
classes.

I didn't care.

I didn't want it.

I wasn't ready.

I didn't know what I wanted to
do.

I think I was so bogged down by
just like my whole life

experience um that I just
didn't, I just wasn't in it.

Like it was a waste of money.

I flunked out after two
semesters, um, academic

probation, the whole thing.

Um, and then I went back home,
lived at my grandma's house for

a little bit, lived with my dad
again.

I was kind of like back and
forth a lot of the time.

Um, but in college, uh I drank,
I made friends, very focused on

the social rather than like
learning.

I didn't care.

Um I went back to my grandma's
house, was living there, didn't

know what I wanted to do, was
still partying.

That was like the main focus.

So drinking was like my main
focus.

And sometimes like I tell
myself, oh, I'm not an

alcoholic.

Like I didn't have a problem
with alcohol.

And then I think back of like
the way that I drank, and it was

not normal.

So I would, you know, get
through my day.

I would go to work, do what I
had to do.

And in the back of my mind, I'm
just thinking about like where I

have a bottle or like how I'm
gonna buy that bottle and like

whose whose house we're going
to, like, we're gonna just

drink, party, take my shirt off,
like just shit like that, right?

Like, there's like people that
have pictures of my titties,

like still.

I told my husband, I told Jerry
about it, and he was like,

That's because you were raised
by wolves, and just pass me on

the head.

And I'm like, I I was like, it's
it's crazy.

I very much like hung out with
like the metal kids that would

go to like the metal shows and
like the punk rock shows, loved

it.

I still love it.

Um, but yeah, it was that was
that was the fun house was was

drinking and partying and
getting fucked up and like going

to metal concerts and you know,
just not being posers.

SPEAKER_04: Yeah, dude.

So how long?

Let's see, you were in ASU for a
year, you go home.

Not even how old are you at this
point?

18, 19?

SPEAKER_01: Let's say 18, 19.

So these years kind of blur
together.

Um, because I I did a lot of the
runaround of like working at a

grocery store, working at a golf
course, like just getting

whatever like job I could get,
um, just living at home, not

having any bills or like real
responsibilities, trying some

like community college classes,
like these like couple of years

blur together.

I don't, I don't even know.

Um, but it's it's the same
thing.

So, like the theme is the same,
it's just focused on drinking.

Um, drinking, going to strip
clubs, having fun, uh doing

mushrooms and like going on long
walks like uh through the

desert, like just all sorts of
shit.

Um, but it was always focused on
having fun with my friends and

and partying and doing drugs and
drinking.

Um overdrawing my bank account
to go to the strip club, like

been there, man.

SPEAKER_04: Been there.

SPEAKER_01: I had I had fit.

I'm like, I have$50 in the
account, so I'm just gonna take

out 75.

I was obviously not a high
roller.

Um, but yeah, as long as I had
money for alcohol and whatever

fun activity we were gonna do.

Waking up at different people's
houses, um, making bad choices.

Uh romantic partners weren't
exactly like, you know, the

greatest.

It was just basically a warm
body and whoever would give me

attention.

Um, it was fine if they were
like abusive or narcissistic or

controlling or hit me.

Like it was all that shit was
was normal to me.

And then it finally escalated.

I don't know why I keep thinking
about this story.

Um, there was one night though,
when a bunch of friends were

drinking at a house, the party
house, and um it was in Arizona,

the way that like the houses are
set up, it's you either have a

chain-link fence between the
houses, or you either have like

a cinder block wall.

So this one had a chain-link
fence.

This is the party house.

You just show up and you just
drink.

Like you don't even have to
call.

Like it's just the core group of
friends, you know you're gonna

be there, right?

At this house, I saw somebody
get stabbed.

Um, the cops wouldn't want to
spoil it.

So this night, I can't remember,
it was a holiday of some kind,

right?

We had been through the whole
rigmarole of drinking, um,

partying, having fun, listening
to music.

We're in and outside smoking
weed, smoking cigarettes.

Like, that's just what we did.

Um, the neighbors behind them
were tweakers, I guess is like a

nice word for it.

But um, we always called them
those stupid tweakers behind the

house.

Like you could tell, like, they
were doing they weren't as bad

as us, or we weren't as bad as
them because we weren't doing

meth and we weren't tweakers.

Um, something happened between
the fences, the dogs were

fighting, like the animals we
had, whatever.

Um, it escalates, some shit
happens.

Um, they start like threatening
some of my friends at the party.

Owner of the house is asleep in
the bedroom.

Um, these guys, I guess, like
drive around around the block.

We hear a car pull up to the
front.

Um, someone starts beating on
the door, threatening,

screaming, basically, like a
home invasion.

Um, we didn't know what to do.

So we tell the owner of the
house, hey, somebody's like the

neighbors are freaking out.

We were already on the phone
with 911.

Like, you need to wake up,
basically.

Like, some shit's going down.

Um, so he wakes up not knowing
what's going on, uh, because uh

he was asleep.

Like, why would you know what's
going on?

He wakes up very much like, I'm
gonna confront the situation

head on.

Like, what let me just find out
what's going on?

Like, there's nothing wrong,
right?

He opens the door, immediately
gets pistol whipped in the face.

So these people break into the
house, everybody's fighting.

I'm the only female here at this
point.

So everything happens in slow
motion, as trauma does, right?

All these dudes are fighting.

They're in the living room.

I just look and I'm like, I'm
seeing guns and I'm seeing

fighting, and like, oh my god.

Like, I slow motion walked
through the living room and out

to the backyard, um, where
there's another one of my

friends still on the phone uh
with the police, like saying,

They're in my house right now.

You need to get here right now.

Um they basically, and then I
stand in the backyard just kind

of like waiting to like be
kidnapped, raped, shot, dead,

whatever.

Um, it happened probably in the
span of like a minute, two

minutes.

It was very fast, but it felt
very slow.

Um so the cops show up.

The people had left at this
point.

Um, they left a bunch of
evidence behind too.

Like they like dropped a like a
magazine from a gun on the

ground, like all sorts of shit.

My poor friend is sitting there
on his couch, just like

bleeding.

Like they smashed his eye
socket, like he had to have

reconstructive surgery.

Um so I'm sitting there just
like with like ice in a towel,

like holding my friend's face
together.

So that's like a that's that's
not manageable, like life

experience.

Like, that's not normal to be in
a situation that escalates so

much that like you have a home
invasion happen where people are

assaulted.

And I'm lucky that like nothing
happened to me.

Um but you know, my friend ended
up pressing charges against this

kid.

The the people went to jail,
which is good.

Like, you can't just like show
up like all mecked out and

assault people.

Like, um, that's fucking nuts.

But that was, I was probably
like 21 at this point.

Um, but still, even after that
happened, after the cops left,

took everybody's statements,
we're all sitting there, and the

first thing we do is like start
hitting bongs, you know.

Like that's all we're just like,
damn, like rolling up like rolly

cigarettes and just like coping
however we can.

And it's substances, substances
is always how we cope.

Um, but yeah, that's that's just
a little taste of

unmanageability, and like that's
the type of shit I went through

with my friend group, and that's
it's traumatic.

Um, but I stayed friends with
those people up until I

basically ruined all of those
friendships.

Um my life got darker and darker
as I kind of suck into like

pills and opiates and for a
while it was just pills.

Uh I was kind of maintaining
normalcy going to work.

Um, and then it got worse and
worse.

Uh somehow I made it uh into
nursing school because I was in

community college and I've
always been very smart.

Um, I've always been very book
smart and capable in that

aspect.

I've always been fascinated by
science um and wanting to do

something in that arena.

Um, but I finished all the
prerequisites for nursing

school.

I got in.

Um, I was kind of nursing a
prescription pill addiction at

this point.

Um, and I kept telling myself
too, like I was also smoking a

lot of weed.

So I was like, okay, I had the
date in my head from when I had

to take the drug test to get
into nursing school and how long

it would take my body to like
get rid of the weed versus like

the opiates.

Um, and I had it all planned
out.

So this like date on this
calendar is getting um like

shorter and shorter.

And I'm like, okay, it's coming
up two weeks.

I'm like, well, it takes what,
like two weeks for weed to get

out of your system, unless
you've been smoking it for

years, in which case, like, dot
the eye across the T it's gonna

take.

We all do that.

And I'm like, how much golden
seal do I have?

To um, so ultimately, like it
came down to it.

I was able to quit smoking weed,
totally fine.

I could not stop doing the
opiates, like to the point where

I was trying to like wean, and
then like in my head, it was

like I forgot the day was coming
up, and I was still doing the

same amount.

I mean, you you gotta do what
you gotta do to feel well.

Um, I couldn't go into nursing
school like in withdraw.

Um, but I also like didn't know
how I was gonna pass a drug

test.

So there was this like smoke
shop down the road.

This is horrible.

I hope this isn't a crime.

Wait, I did a lot of crime.

SPEAKER_04: I don't yeah, that's
not the one they're gonna get

you.

SPEAKER_01: Statute of
limitations is up at this point,

so it's fine.

Um, so I buy this like fake pee,
and I heated it up at my

friend's house.

I call my friend, I'm like, Can
I stop by and need your

microwave for my fake piss?

So I heat up this fake pee and
uh and I go and I take the drug

test.

And that was also another thing
is that I was very manipulative,

like a lot of us.

Like, and I didn't have tattoos,
I didn't have any facial

piercings.

Like, this is all recovering me.

Like, this is this is like true
me.

But back then I was very like, I
was still like clean cut, like

very innocent looking.

Like, I very much use that to my
advantage.

Like, hi, I'm here to take my
nursing school drug test.

And the guys like it's like a
one-man operation.

We're just like, Yeah, not a
problem, just go in there, make

sure you don't flush the toilet.

Right, right, right.

All right, that's good.

I go in there and it's instantly
like dun dun dun dun dun.

I'm pulling out this pee, I'm
pulling out the fake pee that's

like strapped to my leg, and I'm
like checking the temperature

read to make sure it's like
still good.

Um, and I use the fake urine,
and I'm like, there's no way

that's gonna work.

Like, no fucking way.

And then I come back past.

I was like, okay, cool.

So I started nursing school um
in full-blown percocet

addiction.

So I still had to like make the
money to buy at least five pills

a day.

Um, I don't know how I was doing
that.

I think I was just like, I was
getting sicker and sicker.

Like there, there's no
maintaining it.

Um, plus, like the the schedule
of nursing school is like pretty

rigorous.

Like you have to go to classes
and you also have to go to

clinicals.

So I was showing up at class.

Um, I was like snorting a line
of perks per caset in my car and

like vomiting in the parking lot
out of the car, closing it and

like putting my stethoscope on
and just like going into class

and like learning what they had
to learn for that day.

Um, so long story short, that
obviously did not last very

long.

Um, I got sicker and sicker.

I realized I couldn't do it, and
I just stopped showing up.

Like I don't I don't know how it
all like ended or went down.

I'm pretty sure they gave me
like incompletes in the class.

Obviously, you can't just like
not show up for the nursing

program.

They kick you out.

Um, I was 21, 22 at this point,
so I was young.

Um, but yeah, that's that's what
happened there.

Uh that was another thing that
kind of went away because of the

opiates, and that's the shit
that was taking me down fast.

Um yeah, I was in a relationship
at this point with somebody uh

who was also using opiates.

Um we were using pills together.

The party house that used to be
like the drinking house, like

some of us started using
percocets, um, and it just kind

of became our thing.

Uh that shit absolutely
destroyed that friend group.

Um, and we kind of all went
different ways.

I got lucky and I was part of
the party that ended up

escalating to methamphetamines
and heroin.

So, and then I escalated from
eating pills to snorting pills

to smoking pills to shooting
meth and heroin at the same time

all day every day.

Um, and that's where the story
gets good.

SPEAKER_03: Wow.

SPEAKER_01: Thinking um about
the time I bought a gun for a

drug dealer, and it ended up in
the hands of a guy who ended up

like going to prison for life
because he ended up murdering

someone with a shotgun.

SPEAKER_04: The gun that you
bought.

SPEAKER_01: No, no, but it could
like it could have happened,

right?

It's not yeah.

So this was like just part of
where it escalated was go back

to this person that I was
dating.

Um, he was awesome.

Uh he was definitely somebody
who treated me different than

anybody else I had ever dated.

Uh, he wasn't abusive, he wasn't
controlling, he was just like

the first person that I fell in
love with, um, that I felt like

I was really safe with.

Um, and we just had that like
that thing, like that chemistry.

Um, and uh we really sunk into
addiction together, and it ended

up not so great.

But um everything in this part
of the story is with this other

person.

So we're both addicted to pills.

We keep trying to quit.

Um, it's not working because we
get sick.

That's what happens is you get
sick and then you feel like ass,

and then you gotta do what you
gotta do to keep going.

So um we were maintaining
employment until we weren't, we

were paying bills until we
weren't.

Um, we had friends until we
didn't, and it was just kind of

everything.

Um, I had a car at that point,
so I was driving around in my

grandma's old uh Chevy Monte
Carlo.

So I would like roll around in
this Monte Carlo.

Um, and eventually we just like
used it to like rob stores and

like go pawn things and like
just drive drug dealers around

and do what we gotta do uh just
to get well.

But anyways, so we're we're
sick, we can't get any pills.

Um, and then my friend's
girlfriend was like, Well, I

mean, I know somebody who, you
know, can get some heroin, you

know.

She was like, uh, I know if you
don't want to do it, it's like

she's like, I know it's really
bad.

SPEAKER_03: Right.

SPEAKER_01: I'm like, well, I
mean, she's like, but if you're

sick and you need to feel
better, it'll make you feel

better.

Um, so we were like, I mean,
let's just get like 10 bucks

worth.

Like, we just need to feel
better, whatever, it's not that

big of a deal.

Um got the heroin for the first
time, and um I wasn't gonna

shoot it up because that was
like, I will never do that.

That is disgusting.

Um, yeah.

Uh got the heroin, smoked it,
felt better.

And I was like, this tastes like
shit.

I'm never doing this again.

Uh and then I was like, it's a
lot cheaper than pills.

So it became an economical
decision.

Um that's naturally, yeah,
that's like how it kind of

escalated to heroin.

And then slowly I didn't give a
shit about weed, I didn't give a

shit about alcohol, I didn't
care about doing social

activities.

Um, I basically just lived to do
heroin.

Um, at that point, we had a drug
dealer who was living in a a

seedy motel um in like not it
wasn't South Phoenix.

It was like kind of like the
middle of Phoenix, like where

like it's like this stretch of
highway called I-17.

So like I-17 in northern.

He was living at like an
extended, say, America, and he

had just gotten out of prison.

So he was going back and forth
between this hotel called the

Lodge, and it was just like
shitty, like like you pull in,

the parking lot's broken, like
the gravel hasn't been switched

in like forever.

It's like one room, and like
that's where he lived.

That's like, I guess, like part
of like the getting out of

prison.

Like, you have a an address that
you can afford, you have to get

a job, you have to, whatever his
stipulations were.

But we met this guy, um, and he
was instantly like our best

friend.

Um, he was funny, we had a lot
in common.

Like, he kind of became my best
friend, and then I ended up like

doing like driving for him.

So I ended up basically being
like his right-hand man in a

sense.

Um, and then my boyfriend would
go out and do crimes, steal

things from stores.

Um, at one point, he got a hold
of a key that was like, you

know, like the lockboxes that
they put everything in so you

don't steal them.

Somehow he got a hold of like
one of the keys that opened

that, which is technically a
burglary tool and it's a felony.

Um, but he had one of those, he
would just go to the stores and

open the boxes and just steal
the shit that was inside, and we

would go pawn things, like uh
laptops, cameras, iPad, like all

sorts of shit.

Like whatever was worth
anything, we would steal it and

we would pawn it.

Um, and then use that money to
get drugs, and then sometimes a

hotel room.

Um, so yeah, that got bad fast.

Um, my drug dealer at the time,
the guy who's living in the

shitty hotel, uh asks me.

This is so bad.

Oh my god.

Um, he asks me if I can buy a
gun for him because he's not,

and I mean I'm ugh, I was a
fucking idiot.

Like looking back on that, I was
like, yeah, that's fine.

He's like, I'll give you a bag
if you do this.

And I'm like, yeah, that's fine.

Like, you're not gonna do
anything bad with it, right?

He's like, no, it's just for
protection.

And I was like, okay, that's
fine.

So we go to this um pawn shop
and he picks out a gun, pays for

it.

I put it in my name.

Um, and then here you go.

Like, here's a handgun.

Like, that's that was like the
level of my decision making.

Like, I didn't think about
consequences, I just I didn't

think about like what could go
wrong.

And then one day he gets
arrested.

And this other junkie couple
that we were friends with, who

were also living at a hotel
somewhere, um, missing teeth,

like whole thing.

Uh, end up calling me saying,
so-and-so got arrested.

Uh, we have your gun.

Um, homeboy's walking around
with it, meaning the other

friend is like, he's just he's
carrying it.

And I was like, I should
probably get this gun.

Like, there's some random dude
is walking around, like some

crazy guy, like is walking
around like Central Phoenix,

like with a handgun that's like
registered to me, and he's not a

good person.

So I go there and I'm like, hey,
um, I asked the girlfriend first

because like I knew that like
she needed to say it to him and

it wasn't gonna be me.

Like, give me the gun.

Like, what's gonna happen there?

You show up at their house, hey,
give me that fucking gun, dude.

What fuck you?

Like, that's just a normal
escalation.

SPEAKER_03: Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: Um, so I tell her,
I'm like, uh, hey, so that gun

is in my name.

I think while homeboy's in jail,
that your boyfriend needs to

just like give it to me and I
hold on to it just because it's

in my name, you know what I
mean?

And she was like, Yeah, you're
probably right.

Like, I don't want him walking
around with that, anyways.

I'm like, okay.

So I get this gun back, and then
I spend the next couple weeks

walking around with this gun.

Um, and I was also kind of like
low-key selling drugs at this

point, but I wasn't good at it
because I would do all the

drugs.

Like also, if like somebody was
like nice to me that day, I'd be

like, here's an extra$10 worth
of heroin.

Like, I just like it wasn't, I
was a horrible drug dealer.

So I always ended up not having
the money to re-up um walking

around with this gun for no
reason.

Like I wasn't, like I was from
Scottsdale.

I went to private school.

Like, there's no um, but I don't
know, it just made me feel like

one of the people, I guess.

Um, I also bought a car for this
guy and put it in my name.

He did not have a driver's
license.

Um, so this guy's like driving
around with a gun in a car

that's in my name, and he's
selling methamphetamines and

heroin and like all this other
shit.

Um, meeting with not like the
cartels, but like they're called

paisas.

So, like that's like the
Mexicans in Arizona that you buy

your drugs from.

It's like I gotta meet my paisa
um and then handoff, handoff,

whatever.

But you have a Mexican plug.

Like, that's like normally how
it is.

SPEAKER_03: Right.

SPEAKER_01: Um, so you know, in
the world of all of that, my

name is getting used and it's
being put on a paper trail and

blah, blah, blah.

Um, I don't know how nothing
ever happened to me there.

Um, I never got in trouble for
it.

This guy drove around with like
endless amounts of drugs, guns,

doing crime.

Uh, and he did get arrested
again um someday with my car,

with the gun.

And he had told me, if I ever
get caught, I'll just tell them

that I stole it from you.

I I was so like out of my mind
on drugs too that I was just

like, oh, that's cool.

Thanks.

Um that's how noble of you.

Thank you.

Um, and uh I had a running tab
with this guy too at this point.

Like, we had, even though like
looking back on it, I'm like,

that's kind of fucked up because
like my whole life, like I spent

just like driving you around,
doing your errands, like I was

basically a full-time personal
assistant, and I was only

charging$30 worth of heroin per
day.

It was like basically like I was
I was selling my soul and my

services and my body um just to
feel baseline, like well.

So this guy goes to jail.

Um, I get a letter in the mail
from the cops uh saying, Hey, we

have your your gun in evidence.

Um, it's no longer evidence, so
you can come get it.

And I was like, not falling for
that shit.

SPEAKER_03: Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: I was like, hell no.

They were like, if you don't
come get it in 90 days, we're

gonna destroy it.

And I was like, get rid of that
shit.

I don't need it.

And I was like, not falling for
your bullshit.

Right.

Um, so this guy's in prison, and
there goes my drug dealer, there

goes my hustle, uh, and also
there goes the car, and there

goes the drugs or the the gun.

So I'm like, maybe I'll get a
new start, maybe I'll try

something different.

Um, I did not.

I ended up we ended up finding
different friends who did drugs,

and my boyfriend was kind of
getting like arrested here and

there for like stealing.

So he was like meeting people in
jail and like getting phone

numbers of like new contacts and
like whatever.

And we were still surviving,
like still doing the things that

we had to do in order to like
get well every day.

Um I tried to like maintain
employment here and there.

Um it never lasted.

Like it always ended the same
way.

It always ended with me either
not showing up because I was

sick or calling out because I
was sick.

Um just I was just unreliable.

Um it always ended the same way.

Yeah, and then I got arrested
the first time.

That was fucked up.

SPEAKER_04: What did you get
arrested for?

SPEAKER_01: Uh so what was it?

SPEAKER_04: Which one did they
catch you first?

SPEAKER_01: Oh god.

Um my god, this is so I feel so
bad for my aunt who had she

would clean my room and she
would find like all of these

pond slips, and she would find
like all of this shit that I was

like just getting into.

Um and she knew like something
was going on at that point.

They had found like foils in my
room, um like foils with you

know, like trails on it that
were obviously smoked.

And she was like, What is this?

Your uncle and I Googled it and
the Google says it's heroin.

And I was like, it's an arts and
crafts project.

I don't know what you're talking
about.

Like caught red-handed, still
denying it.

Um, so at one of these points,
too, we had been pulled over um,

like in the middle of the night.

So I still had my car, which is
like horrible.

I wasn't paying the registration
on it, I wasn't paying the car

insurance.

So naturally, when you don't do
those things, they suspend your

license and they also um like
suspend your registration or

whatever, obviously.

Like you can't drive a car that
isn't registered and you don't

have a license and isn't
insured.

So I have drove around like this
for months.

I don't know how I didn't get
busted sooner.

But at one point, they pull us
over and we were in a different

town with some like junkie
friends, friends that we had

made, um, just picking up
whatever to do, whatever.

So we get pulled over and it's
like like two o'clock in the

morning.

Um, we had just picked up drugs,
we had stopped in a parking lot,

shot up, and all like got well
in the car.

Um, I had like a little bit
left, and I made some turn or

something, something like
triggered them to like pull me

over.

Maybe they just like ran my
plate.

I don't know.

Um, I don't think the technology
was as advanced back then as it

is now.

Um now it's like surveillance
state, but uh so lights turn on,

they pull us over.

I'm like, oh fuck.

And I remember that I had this
like little bit of heroin, and I

shove it like in into my jail
wallet instantly.

Um so I'm like, oh shit, they're
gonna see me, whatever.

Anyways, I shove it like down
into my underwear, like where

the sun don't shine.

Uh, and I also had a cup of
water that was in my lap at that

point, too.

Um, and I spilled it like all
over myself.

So it looked like I peed myself.

And the cops pull me over,
everybody gets out of the car.

We had drugs, we had spoons, we
had like paraphernalia, like

needles, like all the whole
thing on us.

Um, they pull us over, pull us
out of the car.

Cops was like, What were you
reaching for in your waistband?

What was that?

We saw that, and I was like, I
spilled my water.

I was like, I I just spilled my
water, like it's fine.

And they looked down and there's
water all over the place, and

they were like, Oh, okay.

unknown: Got lucky.

SPEAKER_01: I got so lucky.

And there were so many sit like
instances like where I got lucky

in that sense.

Um, and this time, the the two
people that were in the car with

us, I think some I don't know,
somebody had a warrant, like

someone got arrested.

Um, they obviously found our
paraphernalia.

There was like a random
trazodone that was like floating

around like in the center
console of the car.

Um, that's a felony, like a
fucking trazodone.

Yes, ridiculous.

Yes, because they find these
like random like pill, whatever.

Like they find like my kit with
like all of my heroin stuff.

Me and my boyfriend, like we had
everything combined at this

point.

Um he said that the pill was
his, so he took that charge.

Uh, and then they gave us a
ticket and let us go.

They basically gave it was gave
us like a paraphernalia,

whatever.

I can't remember what they
charged me with.

They charged me with I think it
was they never found the drugs,

so it wasn't like drug use.

Nobody got arrested.

We didn't get arrested.

They sent me home with a ticket,
and they were like, if you get

pulled over again because you
have no registration and no

whatever, we can't guarantee
that you'll not get arrested.

Or I was like, that's fine, it's
a risk I'm willing to take.

So we go home with um like a
summons to appear in court for

this shit.

And uh like three months later,
like the alarm goes off.

We're like, oh, gotta go to
court, like gotta make it down.

There's a big important meeting
today.

Um the alarm goes off at like
six in the morning, we're both

dope sick, and we just keep
hitting snooze.

So that is eventually like what
led to me getting arrested is

because I missed that court
date.

Um, I just ignored it and I was
like, Well, I'm already screwed,

so whatever.

Um, I kept just like doing what
what we were doing.

Um, every single day was it was
forever, but it was also quick.

So spending the entire day just
like hustling and trying to get

like money to get well, um, to
just live another day.

And then one of those days we
were with some some friends who

were also users because we
didn't really hang out with

anybody else at this point.

Um, and he was like, Hey, uh,
we're sick.

If you guys are sick, I have
some tools I can pawn, and then

um, we'll get you well.

We're like, Okay, cool, but I
had I was working a job at this

point.

I was working at Chipotle.

SPEAKER_04: Oh, yeah.

There you go.

SPEAKER_01: So at this point,
um, I'm in my Chipotle uniform.

We're like, yeah, bet, no
problem.

I had just gone off work and
we're like, we'll be there.

So we go in this car that is no
registration still.

We pick up our friends, go down
to this pawn shop, and it's this

pawn shop that's like 24 hours a
day, and it's in Central

Phoenix, uh, on like 7th Avenue
or 7th Street in Indian School.

It's called Mo Money Pawn.

SPEAKER_03: Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: That's where
everybody goes in the middle of

the night to get what you need.

Uh so there's a window, and you
can see the fucking shotgun

sitting right there.

The guy basically just like
offers you 20 bucks for whatever

bullshit you're trying to get
rid of, and that's how you get

well.

Not a good area to be in the
middle of the night, probably.

Um, so we go down there and I
parked at this at the circle K.

There's like a circle K that's
like right down there, whatever.

Um some point, some cops must
have noticed.

They must have driven by.

We pawned the shit, uh, got the
money, we're ready to like go

like meet the dealer and get
well at this point.

Um, there was like a there was
like a I shouldn't say that.

I'm not even gonna say that gang
because that's scary.

Um, so we would go to this guy's
house to get drugs, whatever.

That's a whole nother side
quest.

Um, but uh we go to this circle
K so we can get water because

you have to have your supplies
in order to get well when you

get your drugs, right?

Um, so we go to this the Circle
K.

I'm parked there.

I see a cop like chilling down
whatever.

So I like tap my boyfriend.

I was like, what's that?

What do you think we should do?

And they're like, oh fuck.

And I was like, fuck them.

So they drove like behind my car
and they're waiting for me.

So we see them like parked
waiting, whatever.

And we think we're gonna
outsmart them.

So I'm like, just just just be
cool.

Like nobody go back to the car.

So we just start walking
casually, um, play it off.

And I'm like, they fucking know,
like they they ran like

everything, like they know,
right?

So we wait for the cop to drive
away.

He drives away.

I'm like, go, go, everybody, get
in the car, get in the car.

We get in the car.

I try to like get away.

There's another one.

There's another cop that was
like, they've outsmarted me.

I wasn't that smart.

Um, so my first instinct is to
just floor it.

So we're in like we're in
Phoenix, like central Phoenix

area, where like the side
streets, I mean, they're

residential.

So like the speed limit is like
25.

Um, so I'm going like 60 down
these like residential side

streets in my car.

Um, and then I remember hitting
the point where I was like, I'm

not getting away.

Like I had I call it a moment of
clarity, a moment of God, like

something else like intervening
and helping me.

But in that moment, I realized
whatever I do next, I'm gonna

make it worse.

I need to just accept and let
go.

Um, I'm wearing my Chipotle
outfit.

I was arrested in my Chipotle
outfit.

Um, but I pulled over, I was
like, you guys, they got us like

stash your shit, pull over.

Um I've never I didn't realize
that when like a cop pulls you

out of the car that you have the
ability to like fly off of the

ground.

So these cops open my car door.

I sail through the air uh in
handcuffs, and so does my

boyfriend, the the two people
that were in the backseat, wait

in the car, whatever.

Um, they detain us, they put us
in the back of the car.

I'm in the back of this cop car
with my boyfriend at this point.

Um, it was just a weird night.

Obviously, we had bench
warrants, that's what it was.

So when you get arrested on a
bench warrant, like they can't

just like give you a ticket and
let you go and say, like,

promise, promise you'll come
this time.

So the bench warrant was in a
different county um or a

different town over.

So we got very lucky.

We were arrested in Phoenix.

Um, and the cops were getting
off that night and headed that

way.

So they called uh one of the
Mesa police department people

and they were like, Hey, do you
want to like come get your boy?

Like uh if you meet us there, or
we can just follow you there.

So I'm lucky that like a veteran
Phoenix police officer drove me

to Mesa to get arrested.

Um, my car, they were like, I
mean, they ran everybody's

licenses, everybody's check,
whatever.

Like, nobody else had a warrant.

So I think that's what they were
really focused on.

Um, they were like, if you want
to release your car to your

friend, you can do that.

I mean, he always has the option
to get pulled over and arrested,

it's not insured, whatever.

He would they were like, but
instead of like impounding it,

we're fine with that.

Um, and I was like, Yeah, do
that.

And then my friend drives away
in the car, and then we're in

this SUV cop car waiting for the
Mesa police to come pick us up

or pick one of us up so they
could transport us separately.

And the computer on the dash has
this guy's like license, my

friend, that they had like ran
the license, and it just has

this like checklist of like all
of these charges that he had had

been arrested for previously,
and he had a wrap sheet that was

like it was like six pages, like
all like felony.

Like he he did like eight years
in prison for like stealing shit

and like like massive like ring
of like stolen goods and like

heroin and like selling drugs,
like just like the shit, and

like I'll never forget this.

These two cops look at the
computer and I see them like

tapping the screen, and then
they like turn and they look

back at us and they're like what
the fuck?

And we were like, I don't know.

Um, so I go to jail that night,
and I lay there on this like

hard bench.

Um, my boyfriend is, I'm sure,
having his own experience too.

And I remember that there was
this hooker in jail with me.

And um, that is is not part of
my story yet.

Um, I can't ever say that it
wouldn't be if I didn't relapse,

you know, like the addiction has
a way of taking us to ends and

means that we have said we would
never do, right?

So I meet this other lady who's
in the midst of her addiction,

and we spend the night in jail
together, and I'm laying on this

hard, like hard, like cold, like
bunk, just whimpering.

Um, I mean, we were when I got
arrested, we were on our way to

go get well.

So I was still sick at this
point, and I was just accepting

the fact that like addiction was
setting in.

Um, and this was it just was
what it was, right?

Like the jail people come by and
they offer you a shitty turkey

sandwich at like two in the
morning.

And it's like I was in such
withdrawal that I'm like, I'm

not eating that.

Like, I couldn't, you can't
chew, right?

Like you feel so sick that like
not putting anything in my

mouth.

Like, it's not, I just need to
wait it out.

I had a whole plan.

Hopefully, I'm gonna get out.

Um, I had to be at work in the
morning.

So I had to be at work, I think
like 11.

Like it was either like 10 or
11.

Court was at like court was
super early, like seven in the

morning or some shit.

Um, I get pulled in at seven in
the morning, my Chipotle outfit.

I have no vehicle, I have no
nothing, right?

Um, they look at me, they're
like, Well, first time offender,

you've been whatever.

I'm gonna release you to your
own recognizance and uh don't

miss your court date.

So I was like, Yes, sir.

Yes, thank you.

Um, they release me, and I
remember hobbling out of this

jail wearing my Chipotle
uniform, and the shoes that I

had were like broken because I
would fry the chips, so like the

oil was melting my shoes.

So this shoe was basically like
a it was like a puppet.

Like I'm like hobbling out of
jail wearing my Chipotle, like

guac is extra, and like the
fucking shoe is broken.

I'm in like severe heroin
withdrawal at this point.

And I all I could think about
was.

Getting to my friends because
they have my car because I have

to go to work.

And then it was also payday.

So I had money.

I had like$300 that was just
deposited in my account that

morning.

So I could take a cab, um, get
to their house, get well.

Um, because some of that the
drugs that they got were mine,

right?

Because I put in work too.

Um, so fuck my boyfriend.

I just left him there.

I was like, you're on your own,
pal.

Um I'll send you money for a cab
later.

I don't know.

I'm not waiting.

I gotta get well and go to work.

So I take a cab ride.

I end up at my friend's house.

Uh, I get well, get in my car,
and I go to work and I show up

and I just show up at work that
day.

So the unmanageability, the
chaos.

Like, I'm this girl who's like,
Hi, do you want brown rice or

white rice?

Do you want black beans?

Would you like what kind of meat
would you like?

And like behind the scenes, like
I'm struggling with this like

daily cycle of like dealing with
drug dealers and criminals and

gang members and like infection
from shooting up and like all

this like crazy shit.

My family hates me at this
point.

Like, I have no money, I have no
prospects, I'm not in school, I

have no friends.

Like, everybody they cared about
me is like now gone.

I don't want to face anyone, I
don't want to talk to anyone.

Uh, I don't want to reveal to
anyone like the nature of what's

really happening because I was
so embarrassed and so ashamed.

But also, that wasn't enough to
stop me from doing it.

SPEAKER_04: So was there a what
was the catalyst?

I mean, I'm sure you were
exhausted in the midst of all

this, right?

It sounds exhausting.

SPEAKER_01: I was exhausted, but
I still liked the feeling of

getting high.

I still I still liked the
feeling more.

Um, and slowly that went away.

So at this point, I'm kind of
unraveling.

Uh, it wasn't really too far
from there that my aunt had

found the paper in my room, um,
like like a court summons or

new.

And she was like, What the fuck
is this?

Uh and I told her, Well, I
didn't have insurance on the

car, I blah, blah, blah.

And then I got pulled over.

I made up whatever, so I'm sure
I made up some bullshit.

Um, I didn't admit to her at
that point that it was as

serious as it was.

Um, because I was also lying to
myself to some degree that it

was as serious as it was, right?

Um, so she got me a lawyer, and
I didn't deserve that.

Uh, I deserved jail at that
point.

I deserved some serious like
exorcism, but she got me a

lawyer and helped me as best she
could.

And somehow the lawyer was like,
Well, when you were arrested,

they didn't read you your
rights.

So anything that you said to
those cops isn't admissible in

court.

So whatever they found in your
car, that can be put on the

other people in the car.

But it's a 50-50 chance on
whether you want to take it to

trial and roll the dice.

And like my little criminal
mind, I was like, Yeah, fuck

them.

They were wrong.

Like, absolutely, I'm not a
criminal.

So I was like, Let's roll the
dice, let's try it.

Um, I take it to court and we
walk in.

My lawyer says his his thing,
like he interviews the cop that

was there because they showed
up.

He was like, Did you read her
her rights?

And the cop was like, No.

So right after that, the judge
was like, case dismissed, like,

just gavel, gone.

I was done.

And I remember too, at that
point, I had weighed the lease

that I've weighed in my entire
life.

Um, I was wearing this dress, I
was all dressed up for court.

I remember putting makeup on
like my track marks, um, and I

was still hiding it at this
point that I was still using.

Um, I don't think my aunt knew.

I might have like tried
somewhere in this story too,

comes like outpatient and maybe
I need therapy, or maybe I need

something, like maybe I need
detox.

Like the jig was up, and I don't
remember like the specifics of

of what happened when, but
somewhere in there, my aunt had

found the foils, which escalated
to them like finding needles

somewhere, um, and me having a
breakdown in my grandma's

backyard about how I just like
don't know what to do anymore.

I need help.

Um, I'm still with this
boyfriend.

We're doing the same thing.

He was a big concern of mine um
because he didn't have health

insurance like I did.

He had a very different
situation.

Um, but it was it was starting
to come to light basically in so

many ways.

I mean, obviously, like looking
back at pictures of myself at

that point, um, it was evident.

Like, there's that's a junkie.

Like it's not, you know, I look
nothing like I look today.

Um I'll send you some pictures
too if you want to like blast

them up on the screen.

SPEAKER_03: Yeah, sure, sure.

SPEAKER_01: You can put them up
right at this point.

Lynn, I'll be like, ding, there.

SPEAKER_03: Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: Um, so the jig was
up.

I started to experience some
consequences, not legally.

I don't, I still don't have a
criminal record, and I I can

only chalk that up to like
there's a reason for that.

Um, because there's no I
deserved it.

That's the things that I was
doing.

Uh, I was stealing, I was
stealing time from people I

loved.

I was just a menace.

Um, and I was also justifying it
because I didn't feel like I was

doing anything wrong.

Like I felt like, well, I've
been through all this pain in my

life.

I've been through childhood
trauma.

Like you'd use two, you would
drink too.

You would do this too.

Um, and I ended up like doing
the drugs I swore I would never

try.

And I ended up trying the drug
that my mom liked and the shit

that took her down.

And I was like, fine with that.

And uh I blamed a lot of other
people, but yeah, somehow in

there, like multiple detoxes in
Phoenix that never worked.

Um, because I immediately just
got right out and went right

back to doing what I was doing.

Um just more of the same.

It was just drug dealers,
different drug dealers,

different using friends.

Who can I use today to get what
I need?

Who can I do a favor for today
to get what I need?

Um yeah.

SPEAKER_04: How do you how do
you end up in Florida?

SPEAKER_01: So so that that
comes to my first like real

stint in rehab.

Um, so my aunt knew what was
going down at that point, uh,

knew I needed help.

I had tried detox a couple of
times in Arizona and it didn't

work.

Um, we had also tried like an
outpatient suboxin program.

It didn't work.

I couldn't stay sober.

Um, I ended up like selling the
Suboxan for drugs and whatever.

Um, and I remember that doctor
was like really mad at me.

Like it's it's not funny, but he
was, and I remember him telling

me too, like when I went in and
I couldn't pass a drug test.

Um, I remember him telling me in
so many words that sometimes

when people can't get sober this
way, they just need more.

And when you get there, you'll
feel a sense of relief of like,

oh, just take care of me.

And I remember him like saying
this to me, like he was kind of

like trying to sell like
inpatient treatment to me.

And I can remember thinking,
like, bro, I do not want that.

Like, I just want to die.

Like, so that was like the
biggest part of it is like, I

just want to die.

Like, I was also having feelings
of like not wanting to wake up

and like it was not fun anymore.

Um, but you know, there's always
that little voice in the back of

your head.

So I had tried the detoxes.

My aunt made me do one more
detox, and she was like, You

need to go to rehab this time.

Um, so I did it because I I
thought that it was gonna like,

okay, cool, I'll do a reset.

Um, I'll just get off the heroin
and I'll kind of be able to like

recreationally.

Obviously, I didn't tell anyone
this, but this was my intention

in my head the whole time.

I was like, okay, I'll just go
back to the way it was where I

was just drinking and it was fun
and it was party.

Um, and like that's who I am.

Like, I'll just go back to
smoking weed.

Um, so I told her I would go to
rehab and I ended up coming to

Florida.

I did like a full 30-day
program.

Um, and after that, there were
there were obviously things that

were suggested for me to do that
I did not do.

Um, because I had things back
home that I needed to get back

to.

I had affairs uh to handle.

No, I mean I had this this boy
that I was like so in love with.

Um, and I had a dog at home,
like with it.

Like we had our dog, we had our
life, we had all these dreams

that we were gonna accomplish
when we just got sober.

He got on Suboxing, so he was
gonna be good.

There was like a whole thing
that we were like really like

trying everything that we could
together.

Um, and they wanted me to do
sober living in Florida, and I

was like, I have to go back
home.

Like, this is not gonna work.

Like, I have too much at home to
stay here.

I'm not staying here.

Um, so I did what I had to do.

I said the things I had to say.

I did feel really good and I
felt sober and I felt healthy

for the first time ever.

Um, probably since I had started
like drinking as a child.

Um, but I did immediately go
right back home, and the first

thing I wanted to do was just
like see my person.

Um, so I saw him, and you know,
he was still casually using

meth.

And I was like, I can just hit
it a couple times.

It's like Adderall, right?

It's like popping an addie.

It's like not a big deal.

So instantly, like, we're like
in this motel six room together,

like smoking meth.

Um, and then he was like, Well,
so-and-so is me a favor, like

maybe we could just like get a
little bit of heroin and like we

just do it one time, right?

And I was like, Yeah, that's
fine.

So, like I go from getting home
from rehab to being in a motel

six, like smoking meth, um
talking about like and talking

about recovery too, like talking
about the things that I had

learned about addiction and like
it like looking back on it, it's

so insane.

Like like talking to this
person, like trying to like

bring what I knew to him, like
of like cool, so this is what

we're gonna do, and like I got
the knowledge now, and like

we're gonna be okay.

Um, and then we stay up all
night, and then we're just you

know, like waiting for the drug
dealer and we're shooting up

heroin again, like pretty
quickly.

But I pretended that that wasn't
going on for quite a while.

I was able to like just well,
well, it's fine if I only do it

once a week, right?

Because then I won't become
dependent and I won't go into

withdrawal.

Like I was going through this
like real-time experiment of

addiction, like right after I
got out of rehab.

I was still holding on to the
things that I thought I could

control.

Uh, and it just it didn't work.

Um, I tried to go to therapy and
like do like a 12-step type

program, whatever.

Um, so I was like still like
getting high though, and it was

escalating, like it was getting
worse.

I was like going to some, you
know, step recovery meetings and

like sharing, like geeked out of
my mind, like talking about like

you just gotta do this for
recovery.

And you like I still owe that
clubhouse an amends because the

only stipulation they had was
like, hey, if you've used today,

please don't share.

And I'm like, right here,
buddies.

Like it's like that's like the
sickness, though.

Like that's that's the level of
mental illness is it tells us,

like, not me, not me.

Um, like they're not they're not
talking about me.

Like, no, like because I have
this like head full of recovery

and I just went to rehab, like
it doesn't matter that I'm using

because I still know like I
still know quantum physics, even

if I'm not practicing it.

You know what I mean?

Like, so like that's right.

That's like where I was at
mentally.

Um, and I was hiding it from my
family for a little bit, and I

remember really holding on to
the fact that I like I wanted to

do better for them, and I just
wanted them to be proud of me.

Um, my grandma was getting
sicker at this point, and like

she's like old as shit at this
point.

So she's like probably not gonna
be around for much longer.

I was staying at her house,
tried to get jobs, my boyfriend

tried to get jobs.

We were able to like work a
little bit and like just main

maintain a little bit, but it
just it just not it didn't work.

Nothing worked, nothing of my
own accord worked.

Um, and we would just, you know,
go off and do our thing and be

like laying on the ground in a
park, like looking up at the

stars, talking about how like we
just want to have a normal life

and how we just want to be able
to like get married and have

kids and and just like do normal
shit together, like make dinner,

buy groceries, go to work, have
like a one-bedroom apartment,

and just like be in love and
just like experience like what

it means to be human and like
all these like just normal

things.

Um, and we were just never able
to do that.

Um, so long story short, there
it escalated quickly.

Um, once the jig was up to like
obviously, like I couldn't hide

that I was using forever.

My aunt started to see the same
signs and symptoms.

Um eventually I crashed my car
at like two in the morning.

Um, we were trying to, we were
driving around a drug dealer who

was gonna give us some drugs to
get well.

Um, I had a TV in the back of
the car that he had like bought

from somebody.

It was like in my trunk,
whatever.

So there was like a red light.

Like it ended up being a no
fault accident because I think

the other guy was drunk, um,
which is interesting, right?

Like two like crashing trains
like passing in the middle of

the night.

SPEAKER_02: Right.

SPEAKER_01: Um, but I look up,
the light turns yellow, and I

was going left.

So I go.

He's going really fast.

He goes.

Um, I get T-boned at like two in
the morning.

Cops are there.

There's like paraphernalia all
over my car, like everywhere,

um, glass everywhere.

Somehow, uh, the drug dealer
who's sitting in the backseat

gets taken to the hospital.

We send his little junky
girlfriend off with him, and

then we grab the TV and they
investigate, nobody finds

anything, nobody charges us with
anything, and then we're off on

foot.

So slowly, like one thing after
another, we call somebody for a

ride, we sell the TV, get some
drugs, get well.

That was the only thing that we
could think of.

Sneak into my grandma's house um
and just sleep it off.

And I wake up with like glass in
my hair.

Like I remember waking up and
being like, and just shaking

glass off, like onto the table
next to me.

And my aunt shows up, and she is
a force to be reckoned with.

I tell you what.

Where's the fucking car?

I was like, I crashed it.

Or what did I say?

I said, I think I lied.

I think I lied instantly about
it.

I was like, someone's borrowing
it, it's fine.

I said, Don't worry about it.

Like Captain Gaslighter here,
like, where the fuck is the car?

Don't worry about it.

Like, you worry too much.

And it's just like, Jesus.

Um, so slowly things started
going away.

I crashed the car.

Uh, within a couple weeks, my
dog ended up getting sick.

She was old, she died.

Um, we had to put her to sleep,
which was like horrifying.

Um, so it's just more loss and
more grief.

I had nothing, I had no vehicle.

Um, I wasn't about to like take
the bus to like steal from

GameStop and then fucking go
sell it at a ponch.

You know what I mean?

Like, I'm not gonna not gonna do
any of that.

Uh the the one by one,
everything was just going away.

I was losing more and more.

Physically, I was getting
sicker.

I wasn't getting high at this
point.

Like, like my downfall, like I
wasn't getting high.

Like, it was no longer I I
couldn't numb myself out to

forget about the way I felt.

It was like I was getting
well-ish, still kind of sick.

I couldn't hit a vein anymore.

Like all my veins were
collapsing.

Um, it's just I had run out of
all the spots.

I had run out of everything.

Um, it's to the point where like
after a long day of hustling to

just get well, I wouldn't even
try to hit a vein.

I would just stab it into a
muscle and call it a day.

Didn't feel anything.

I just felt empty.

I felt completely empty as a
person, and I'm looking around

at my life and this like person
that I love so much that I like

just want a life with.

Um, and I'm just like, I I I
don't know if I had the full

realization at that point, but
I'm like, I cannot get sober in

this situation.

Like, I'm gonna die.

He's gonna die, I'm gonna die,
like we're all gonna fucking

die.

Uh, people are getting arrested.

Like that seems to be like the
only place it ends up is like

people either get arrested, they
end up in jail, they die, or

they get sober.

So my aunt had shown up at the
house and she had circled a date

on the calendar, and she was
like, if you're not out of here

and either in rehab by this
point, I never want to see your

fucking face again.

I never want to talk to you
again.

Don't call me, don't ask me for
anything.

And the feeling, I knew she was
serious.

There's like something about it,
there's something spiritual,

like from like one person to
another.

Um, and I started crying.

And I remember her making fun of
me crying.

Like she was like mimicking me
and like, you poor thing, like,

oh, poor you, it's always you.

Like, and I remember thinking,
how heartless can you be?

Like, how how cold can you be?

Um and looking back on that now,
I know that that's not what that

was at all.

Uh, that's I don't no nobody
could reach me.

Nobody, right, nobody could like
reach through all of the drugs

and sickness and shaved head and
like just everything, and like

actually like awaken me.

Like they were trying to wake me
up.

Um, she tells me this, she still
talks about this story about how

she shows up at the house.

I'm living in a junky bedroom,
there's shit everywhere, like

old like Coke cans and like
clothing everywhere, and like

whatever.

Um, I had like barricaded the
door, um, and she's knocking on

it and like trying to see if I'm
awake or alive.

Like, that's what she was really
worried about.

Um, and she busts her way in.

And I can remember too that like
I had just finally like hit a

vein after like trying for
hours, and I had fallen asleep

and I was like fully naked, and
I'm just like sprawled out,

skinny.

I look like a skeleton at this
point.

I'm sprawled out of my bed, like
after having just shut up.

She opens the door, she screams.

It wakes me up out of this high.

And the first thing I think of
was, How dare you?

Like, I was pissed that she woke
me up.

That was what it was, and she's
she's horrified thinking I'm

dead.

And my first thought is like,
fuck you, go away.

Like, that's that's addiction.

SPEAKER_03: Damn right.

SPEAKER_01: So that date circles
on the calendar.

You're getting the fuck out of
here by that point.

Um I knew I knew it was
happening.

I was also ready too.

Uh, my never's had kind of gone
out the window.

Um, I was at the point where I
just wanted to feel better and I

just wanted to feel like the
real me again.

I wanted to make my family
proud.

I wanted them to like be proud
of me and love me again.

Um, so I get everything going,
ready for the day.

Um, I hug my boyfriend and he
rides off on his bicycle.

I give him a kiss and I'm like,
I'll be back in six months.

I have to do sober living this
time.

Have to.

Uh I go to rehab again.

Um I sit down and I talk to my
therapist, and I just I was just

so full of shame because like I
obviously like didn't I didn't

listen to any of the the
follow-through suggestions last

time.

And I just had it in my head.

I was like, I just know he's
gonna be so disappointed in me.

Um, and I just like don't want
to hear it, you know.

So as soon as I sit with him, I
muster up all my bravery, and he

looks me in the eyes and he's
like, I'm glad you're back.

And like that, that was really
nice uh to hear.

And then as soon as he said
that, I was like, Do you just

give me the paper for sober
living?

I'll sign it right now.

I don't care.

Like, give me the paper for Iop.

And I I just started
residential.

Like, it's like, give me the
paper for everything, I'll sign

it.

Whatever you need, I'll sign it.

I don't care.

I'm done.

So it took what it took, and I
needed all of it.

Um I was like super willing.

And somewhere in that journey,
uh my boyfriend who was also

like gonna, you know, like work
on getting sober at his on his

side of the street, and then we
were gonna like come up with our

plan and we were gonna do it
all.

Um, I had a conversation with
him, and he was talking about

how he went to a concert.

That's awesome, we love doing
that, whatever.

Like, cool, you're doing things
again.

Like, that's awesome.

Um, and he talked about having a
drink.

And it was just like the
disconnect between his

understanding of sobriety and my
understanding of sobriety, but

also like it's a very personal
journey, right?

So, like for me, knowing that I
couldn't just like drink,

knowing that I couldn't, that's
not that wasn't gonna work for

me.

Um, because I had tried it.

I tried it so many ways.

I tried just detox, just
outpatient, like just all that

shit.

Uh, and I just knew, but I also
knew that he didn't understand

that that's the really the only
thing that it was gonna work.

Um so I kind of at that point
like knew that it just wasn't it

wasn't gonna work.

Um, so I detached, I think, a
little bit and we tried to stay

friends for a little bit.

We talked uh for a while.

I broke up with him.

Uh, we were both a little bit
heartbroken, but you know, we

kind of went our separate ways
and then slowly we lost contact.

Um, and eventually he died from
this disease.

So yeah, you know, fast forward
in recovery.

I'm sitting in bed with my
husband.

Uh he was either right after we
just got married, so like four

years, I want to say four years
ago, right after we got married,

I I get a call or a message on
Instagram from his brother.

Um, and he said that he finally
passed.

So he had had his own, and I
just broke down like instantly.

Like I just started sobbing.

Um it's like when one of us
goes, it it feels like all of

us, you know.

Yeah.

Just like, why me?

The survivor skill, like, why me
and not him, you know, like Uh I

don't know.

You know, he had some some
choices there.

And one of the when I talked to
him the last time, he had said,

I'm ready to meet my maker.

That was like one of the last
things I said.

And I can remember thinking,
like, how sad.

Like so the world lost another
amazing person to addiction.

SPEAKER_04: But that's not an
uncommon experience either.

And I think Haley had a similar
experience.

SPEAKER_01: Uh she did.

She did.

And you know what?

The another thing about recovery
too is that I was able to be

completely honest with my
husband about where my feelings

were at.

Um, and none of it was wrong.

It was all okay.

I can still talk about him to
this day if I want to or need

to.

Um, and my husband is just like,
wow, he sounds like he was an

awesome guy.

And I'm like, he was, dude.

Like, he really was.

Um, because I didn't leave him
because I didn't love him.

You know, I left because I
needed to get sober and I needed

to love myself more.

And on that journey, I I just I
did it all.

I did recovery, I did all the
IOPs, I did all the P's, all the

all the shit.

And slowly I started to get
things back.

Um I just did it all.

Like I just became that person
that's like the annoying kid in

class that that asks all the
questions and is afraid of

getting in trouble.

And I just like I laser focused
my vision and I I made my world

very small.

Um, I just did whatever the
professionals told me to do, and

I hung out with other people
that were trying to stay sober

too.

Um, and that's where I met your
wife.

SPEAKER_04: Yeah, and we're
still friends.

So few of us and I've been, you
know, I've relapsed multiple

times since you've known me,
right?

And and so few of us make it.

I mean, what would you say?

Because I know a lot of people
watch these like sobriety

podcasts and and things like
that that are are still using,

right?

To get to get hope.

I'm surprised at some of the
comments I see, not on mine, but

on the other ones.

Um, like what would you say to
somebody who just doesn't

understand how you go from you
know heroin to almost 12 years

of sobriety?

Like, what is what's the what's
the the nugget?

SPEAKER_01: It's not linear.

It's yeah, it's like the the
recovery is not linear.

So, and that's also something
that I kind of came to the

realization like within the last
few years.

So, you know, I feel like when I
first got sobered like this last

time, I was very like kept in
like whatever you tell me to do,

kept in 12-step recovery
program, like kept in like

whatever.

And I saw people doing things
that weren't necessarily that.

Um, and I I struggled to like
accept that like maybe that

could work for them, right?

Like, there's all sorts of stuff
in like the field of like

recovery and like addiction
medicine and like just all of

it, like rehab.

Um, it's just not like one size
fits all.

So I tried like so many
different ways.

I tried it A, B, C, A, B, A, B,
C, X, Y, Z.

Like, I just I tried it all the
ways that didn't work until I

finally found something that
worked.

Um, and my first exposure to
like going to a detox and like

knowing I had a problem was not
the first time I got sober, you

know, like my first full rehab
wasn't the time I got sober.

Um, I could still relapse today
if I stopped taking care of

myself.

Like it's I don't know.

I used to be, I think, very
fearful of the people,

especially when I was in early
recovery, that had like maybe

relapsed or, you know, weren't
doing all of the things that I

thought had to be done and went
into like a recovery.

But that was just my own fear
and my own like bias.

Um it was just because I was
afraid.

Like, that's it.

Um, I I looked at the world so
black and white, and I just

wanted things to like hold on to
because it makes me feel safe

when things fit into my
understanding of the world.

SPEAKER_03: Um totally.

And I mean that's true for
everyone.

SPEAKER_01: It's true, and now
it's not like that.

Like now, and I work in
treatment, so I get to like help

a lot of people.

Um, I get to like give what I
have, but I also have like

slowly learned through the years
that like there's no judgment,

like there can't be judgment.

Like it's my story is different
than your story, but we're the

same, you know.

Um, the the details are
different, but how we get here

is different.

What we experience along the way
is different.

Um, and it's not just like, oh,
I just can't get high anymore.

There's like, how do I show up
for life and like be a good

husband, a good wife?

Like, how do I be a parent?

How do I be a good employee?

Like, there's so many things.

And like ultimately, like this
underlying thing about it is

that I still have a condition
that can easily go back to the

way it was if I don't take care
of myself.

Um, but it's not linear at all.

Like there are people that
relapse is part of their story.

There's people that relapse is
not part of their story.

Um, I've, you know, even for
myself too.

Like I've been totally sober and
I've felt full on suicidal.

Like I've sought therapy, I've
sought couples therapy, marriage

therapy in sobriety.

Like, there's all of these
things that I've gone through.

Like, life has gotten lifey and
I've stayed sober.

I haven't always handled it
perfectly.

Um, but it's it's just one foot
in front of the other.

Like it's it's the same thing in
childhood, though.

Like, I don't know what it was.

Like I had all these, like, all
these blows, like abuse and

trauma and like rape and like
just like all these like fucked

up words.

But like the reality, like
looking back on it, was that

like I had a lot of trauma.

Um and somehow like this little
person kept getting up every day

and showing up.

Um, I made it through life.

Like, I just like I dragged the
dead weight of my trauma behind

me and I showed up.

And I found coping skills along
the way.

Some of those coping skills were
not that great.

I found other coping skills in
sobriety.

I just I found what works.

Um, I think the biggest thing
though is like whatever it is,

it's okay.

Um, it's just it's okay.

My shame, my guilt, the the
judgment of myself of like I'm

not good enough.

I'm not where I need to be in
recovery, I'm not the daughter I

need to be, I'm not the wife I
need to be, I'm I could be

better.

How do I have these icky human
feelings of like fear and

jealousy and like feeling
uncomfortable in my own skin?

But like it's okay.

It's okay.

Um, yeah, it's just everybody
has their journey.

It's not linear.

You know, one day I can wake up
and I can be a total fucking

asshole and like cuss somebody
out in traffic, and then the

next day I can be like king guru
yogi, like I'm gonna meditate,

you know, like it is never the
same.

I have a full-on caffeine
addiction too at this point.

SPEAKER_04: So same girl.

SPEAKER_01: So at least I drink
at least one five-hour energy a

day.

That's all I got left.

SPEAKER_04: Man, Nicole, that
was an absolute heater.

Thank you so much for for
telling your story.

I really, really appreciate it.

And uh yeah, first for anyone
listening, thanks for tuning in.

My name's Austin.

We'll catch you on the next
episode.

Take care.