One Last Hit | A Sobriety and Addiction Recovery Podcast

SPEAKER_00: What's happening,
ladies and gentlemen?

My name is Austin.

Welcome to the One Last Hit
Podcast.

If you're listening in, we
appreciate you.

I get to sit down today with Mr.

Ernie C.

What's up, Ernie?

How you doing, buddy?

SPEAKER_02: Austin, what's up?

I'm doing great, bud.

Doing great.

SPEAKER_00: Hell yeah.

So, Ernie, I've heard so I've
heard a lot of little snippets

from your life, but I've never
had the opportunity to dig in

with you.

I know we had Dallas on the show
uh last week.

He referenced you quite a few
times, man.

Some things that like really
brought tears to my eyes uh when

he was saying it.

And so I'm excited to get into
your into your story, man.

Where did you where did you grow
up?

What were your younger years
like?

SPEAKER_03: I was born in Santa
Monica, California.

Grew up uh until the age of 15
in the greater Los Angeles,

California area.

Okay, so you're you're a native.

SPEAKER_00: Holy shit.

I don't get a lot of that.

So so okay, so what what was
what was it like growing up in

Santa Monica?

Like what was age five, six,
seven like?

What what were your parents
like?

SPEAKER_03: Uh so my my mom, uh
we first of all come from a big

Italian family.

My mom was one of seven uh kids.

Uh her parents uh just
hardworking, you know, came here

from Boston, Massachusetts after
they immigrated from Italy.

And uh they were just
hardworking, and and she, you

know, they believed in education
and athletics and Catholic and

you know, and uh my mom uh was
an all-CIF uh softball player

and uh you know at Faculver City
High School, and uh she was

doing great, and then she met my
dad, and my dad uh came from the

Bronx, Italian, immigrated from
the Bronx, and he was uh from a

completely different
environment, like no father

figure, running the streets.

Uh, dropped out of school at 16
years old, and he was working at

the roughest liquor store in
Englewood, California.

He had at 17, he had prospected
into uh his first outlaw

motorcycle gang, and it was love
at first sight.

So my mom and debutante, yeah,
and they they met and uh she

went for the bad boy and out
popped me when my mom was like

19, and uh yeah, and so that
relationship obviously didn't

last.

Uh he left when I was uh two.

He spent most of my um
adolescence either in state

prison or you know, running
around with you know his uh his

motorcycle club.

And uh I my mom was a single mom
working two jobs, and uh yeah, I

was like a latchkey kid for a
good portion, for a good portion

of those years.

But my mom worked hard, she did
the best she could.

She, you know, we lived in a
little one-bedroom duplex.

Uh my mom stayed on a day bed in
the in the living room, and uh

my sister and I, we shared uh we
shared the one room, you know,

and and um and my mom had a lot
of pride.

Uh she comes from, like I said,
a hardworking, middle class

immigrant family, but like she
would never ask for any help,

you know.

So like grew up on, you know,
there was times where we had to

get assistance, WIC, food
stamps, but like she she uh she

was a grinder and we just she
made it work, you know.

And then when I was uh when I
was nine years old, uh my who is

real really I consider my
father, uh Tom came into our

lives.

He was sober uh one year.

He was an alcoholic and he was
sober one year, and they started

dating.

And uh, you know, at first,
obviously I had all the normal

bl you know anger issues, not
having my real dad there, and

now there's this, you know, new
man in my life, and he was kind

of an authoritarian figure,
right?

And uh, and he ended up uh he's
been around, he's been around

for 40, 40 plus years, and he's
really walk walked through hell

with me.

But uh yeah, his first job uh
when he met my mom, he was the

first paid employee for cocaine
anonymous, which is a trip,

right?

Like I remember Yeah, I remember
I he worked at their call

center, he was the first.

So like that's I had that's the
only that was my first like

introduction to I guess what you
would call recovery, even though

it was just uh a child, a
stepstep of of uh of an

employee.

So yeah, and he worked for
minimum wage and they just kind

of grinded out a life together,
you know, that's turned out to

be really beautiful, which I'm
sure we'll get to later.

But uh, you know, it was tough
for me, right?

It was it was tough for me.

I w I was an angry kid, right?

I've always had felt abandoned
by my my father.

He would go move on to different
relationships when he wasn't in

prison and he'd raise other
people's children and you know,

outside of spot little uh you
know instances where he would

come around, you know, like I
just always felt like I wasn't

good enough, you know, or wasn't
worthy.

So at a young age, my mom was
looking for ways to keep me out

of trouble.

So when I was eight years old,
she put me in a pop corner

football uh inner city, Los
Angeles, right?

Like tough, tough, you know,
crowd.

And uh and it was like survival
of the fittest.

I was like this one of two white
kids on the team for the next

eight years growing up.

And I just I kind of I don't
know, I kind of thrived there.

And uh, you know, that probably
kept me out of some trouble, but

uh that was really my escape
when I was eight, nine, ten

years old, maybe eleven years
old, uh, was playing football

and being part of that
fellowship of of young kids.

And uh and then I started
getting in trouble at a really,

really early age, like pretty
good trouble.

Um, you know what happened?

Being well, once again, man, I
don't I don't ever try to

portray my mom or uh my
stepfather as uh as bad parents

because they were the absolute
opposite.

Now that I'm a parent, I know
that like to work your ass off

and to to grind out a life to
try to provide for your children

and all the sacrifice that can
comes with that.

Like I have so much respect.

But you know, at the time the
reality was that they were

working, trying to put food on
the table, and I there was not a

lot of supervision, right?

When you're working two jobs,
each of them are working two

jobs, right?

So I kind of just started
running the the the streets with

older kids, you know, and I
found myself, you know, uh

joined uh joined uh uh at 13
years old.

I joined a tagging crew and just
causing mischief, you know,

breaking into houses.

And at 13, right, it's still
Austin at 13, it's it doesn't

sound so sinister, right?

The little 13-year-old jumps
through a window and and and and

and steals some British pounds
that are sitting on at a on an

old couple's you know, coffee
table, or he breaks into a

garage and steals a moped, and
you know, it's got a half a tank

of gas in it, and when that's
gone, he leaves it on the

sidewalk, or you know, graffiti
or vandalism, and and you know,

but when I look back, right, to
be 13 years old and doing that

and running amok like that was
probably an early tell uh

telltale sign that I was
probably headed for headed for a

rude awakening, and that's
that's what started to happen,

right, quickly.

Um I you know come from Italian
families, so like it it wasn't

it wasn't um it wasn't it wasn't
taboo to have a have a sip or a

glass of grandpa's wine, right,
during events, right?

Like wine and but no nobody else
in in the family, this huge

Italian family, was uh exhibited
alcoholic behavior and

definitely not drug addiction,
right?

Uh but and so as a kid, I I
don't really remember like

having that first drink uh of of
wine or beer, my grandfather's

beer, and having some you know,
surreal experience with it.

It was just normal.

But what I do remember is when I
was 13 years old, you know,

falling into this regiment where
I was uh in this cycle of

hanging out with these older
kids and like we had it down.

We would we would go to Culver
Center and we would you know

walk into a store, we had baggy
pants, uh dickies, we'd walk in

and we would steal baseball
cards.

This is probably in 1986, 1985.

We'd go in and we'd still boxes
of this tops baseball cards, and

then we'd go to the baseball
card shop a couple, you know, a

couple streets down, and we'd
sell that box for$10.

And you know, I'd walk in, I'd
have two boxes, you know, Jeremy

would have two boxes, Tim would
have two boxes, and we'd walk

out with$60, you know, and then
we'd make another run to

Thrifties and Clover Center, and
then you know, we'd we'd steal a

you know a 40 ounce of old
English, put it the same way,

put it in our pants, baggy
pants, walk out, and then we'd

get on the bus, right?

And we'd go to Venice Beach,
we'd take the$60 and and and

we'd buy, you know, a bubble
tape, you know, uh canister of

just some horrible swag weed.

SPEAKER_02: Now, you know,
looking back, you're like, God,

that was the worst weed I I I've
ever seen in my life.

SPEAKER_03: But like when you're
13 and you're hanging out with

some 14 and 15-year-olds, like
you just think you're cool,

right?

And uh, and and so like that
became a cycle for like a year,

and you know, like we built this
clubhouse and this abandoned,

you know, backyard, and like we
had all our booze there, and

friggin', you know, we were
stockpiling, you know, all kinds

of stolen goods there.

And and so like that was a phase
of my life, right?

And there wasn't once again, a
ton of oversight, and there

wasn't a ton of consequences,
right?

My first real consequences uh
happened was I was 14 years old,

right?

And I'll never I'll never forget
it, and I can speak about it

because we were arrested for it,
so it's public knowledge, but

uh, but uh but Raul Ignacio, one
of my one of my buddies, right?

Like he he he came to middle
school one day and he's like he

showed me a credit card.

And I once again, my parents
were hard working, poor, digging

themselves out, right?

And I'd never really seen my mom
with a credit card or anything,

but I understood the concept
because aunts and uncles had

him, and he showed up with this
uh this credit card, and and

I'll never forget I remember the
name on it, June Johnson, right?

And I'm like, I don't know what
like you would have thought,

Austin, when somebody brings you
a credit card at 13, 14 years

old at middle school, but I'm
thinking, like, wow, we're rich.

Like, we're rich.

And and that was probably my
oldest, my my first memory of

maybe having somewhat of a
criminal mind distorted by this

lifestyle of you know, drinking
and and and smoking weed at an

early age and just running amok.

And so I'll tell you what we
did, Austin.

Like, we were the coolest kids
in school for the next six

months.

Like we were literally ordering
Thai food to school, Mexican

food on this stolen credit card,
right?

And then I and then I was like,
wow, like why am I not ordering

other cool stuff?

And so there was about seven or
eight of us that had that had

access to this credit card.

And then, you know, we started
like ordering back in the day,

like Air Jordan's Chicago Bulls
hats and and like Sony Mega

Blasts were like the thing,
right?

In in LA, right?

And and so so we start ordering
that, and stuff starts coming to

our houses, and like we're just
feeling rich, right?

I look back on it now and I'm
like, damn, what type of credit

card limit did this chick have?

No, right?

Like, because I because right.

So, so because this is going on
for probably no embellishment,

probably about a month, and you
know, and then I don't know, I

start once again.

This I have this mind, and then
I'm like, you know what?

Like, I should order like a gun,
right?

So like they had these hunting
like catalogs, right?

So I ordered like a gun, and
like gun gum rules were very

much different in in 1990 and
1989, right?

So uh I made I made the order.

The gun never came, by the way,
but I did make the order.

I banged the card, right?

Like the whole nine yards, and
I'll never forget it was Tuesday

uh the next week after I made
that order, and I get called to

the principal's office, and I'm
walking to the principal's

office, and that's when they had
to like send a courier with a

note, send Ernie to the
principal's office.

And I'm walking to the
principal's office and I'm

looking to the right and to the
left, and dude, it's all my

buddies.

Raul's going to the principal's
office, Johnny's going to the

principal's office, Ricardo's
going to the principal's office,

and like I'm like, fuck, this is
pretty cool.

This is where my mind was.

Like, I was just I was spun at
an early age, and I remember

them taking us into a room, just
have a seat, have a seat.

The room started filling up with
the eight or ten guys that you

know coincidentally had been
involved in this credit card

theft rate ring.

And I just remember hearing the
words, my name's John,

Lieutenant John Montano.

I'm with the Culver City Police
Department.

You're under arrest, you have
the right to remain silent.

And so, like, they group
arrested us there, and uh and

man, it was kind of like the
first wake-up call, and they

took us down to the police
station, right?

It was serious, right?

Three credit, uh, you know,
three felonies, even though we

were minors, right?

That's what they were, you know,
spewing at us at the time.

And and I have a a cousin, uh,
Frank Augusta, he just passed

away, and he happened to be the
captain at the time of the

Culver City Police Department.

So next and next thing you know,
right, like my cousin, who's

more like an uncle, right, uh
comes over and sees me in a cell

and he's like, wow, he's like,
you really got yourself in a jam

this time, right?

And I just remember, you know,
having so much respect later on

in life for that guy because he
never got me out of a jam, but

he probably I lost you, buddy.

SPEAKER_00: All right, go for
it, buddy.

SPEAKER_03: And what what ended
up happening is I probably I

probably got my first break.

Um, you know, they definitely
charged me with the crimes and

they charged everybody with the
crimes, and um, but they gave us

uh a diversion program for one
year.

And if we uh if we completed
this program, if I completed

this program, there would be no
charges filed.

And I had to, you know, get
picked up from school in like a

a NARC car every Wednesday, go
to meet with this, you know,

police shrink and uh and I had
to do outward bound and meet

with the cops for all of these,
you know, like events and

character building exercises.

And man, some somehow like I did
it.

And uh, you know, at the same
time, my my my football career

had started to blossom a little
bit.

And you know, now I'm in the
eighth grade and I'm completing

this this program with the
Culver City Police Department,

and and then you know, I get a
uh a full financial aid waiver

to go to a Catholic high school
in Santa Monica, St.

Monica's.

And at the time they were one of
the top, you know, football

powerhouses in the in the state
and in the country.

And uh, you know, so I got a
reprieve.

Like I completed that program.

I went into uh St.

Monica's.

I I made the varsity team uh
when they pulled me up to the

playoffs as a freshman, you
know, we we made it to the state

semifinals, and you know, I felt
like there was a change, right,

in me.

And the football season ended.

And I don't know about you,
Austin, but like if I'm not

busy, you know, I my my mind
starts changing my mind.

And so so this is Catholic
school, and uh, you know, you

have to buy your books, right?

And so uh the whole buying the
book, selling the book rack,

it's a big deal.

And you know, they have all
these textbooks or at stores

around, you know, all the
private schools in LA, and you

go buy your textbooks from these
stores, and then when you're

done, you sell them.

And I don't know, man.

I so I I figured out like a way
to earn money, right?

My parents were hardworking,
right, and grinding, but there

wasn't a lot of extra money,
right?

There just wasn't.

Now I had three more sisters,
right?

So there's five of us, and you
know, and uh so I started

breaking into lockers at school
and stealing books, you know,

after after, you know, kind of
the janitors had left.

I'd break in into the I'd leave
the hallway open and go back

into the, you know, the hallways
and you know, and and I'd break

in these lockers, feel these
books, and resell them.

And I got caught.

And uh, I'll never forget Sister
Cheryl Milner.

She called me in her office and
she was sitting there with the

football coach.

And man, she she just looked at
me and she said, Man, you were

doing so good.

Like we took a chance on you.

We knew you had were in trouble
when we offered you this, you

know, this aid package.

You your your grades were good
the first semester.

You did great in football, like
you were a blessing to be

around.

And now it's you know, May and
school's school's almost over,

and like here's the deal like we
can't have you back.

And uh, so I got kicked out of
St.

Monica's after my freshman year.

Um, and and I ended up, you
know, going to uh Granada Hills

High School.

My parents had finally saved up
enough money to buy a little

condo, and they bought this
little condo, and uh there was a

good football school, Granada
Hills High School, close by.

Um, and John Lway actually, you
know, his dad was the coach and

he he was an alumni from there.

And uh, so I went there and, you
know, I'm I'm in two days and I

make the team, you know, I'm a
sophomore now, and and uh, you

know, they moved me to
quarterback, and I'd never

played quarterback in my life,
and like I was having a hard

time adapting to the kids.

I didn't know anybody, right?

And it's this big school.

Now I'm in this school with
3,800 kids, and I don't know.

I I quit, I quit the football
team, right?

And uh I stopped going to
school.

They were busting a lot of kids
uh in the schools back then,

right?

Ice Cube, a lot of inner city
rappers were actually going to

school in the valley at Taft and
Granada, and I started running

with a pretty tough crowd,
leaving school.

I'd go to school so I could
avoid like my mom and dad's, you

know, retribution, but then I'd
leave school right after the

first period and I'd be running
amok with these pretty tough

crowd.

And I ended up getting jumped in
a street gang, you know, and uh

I was only I was like one of the
only white kids in the street

gang, and it's a pretty
notorious street gang in

California.

And uh it was so uh it was so so
odd that that uh you know to

have a white kid jumped in this
street gang that they actually

jumped me in twice, you know,
and uh make sure it took.

They did, right?

And and so over the next you
know, five or six months, like I

started not going to school,
running amuck, a lot of

drinking, a lot of drugs, and uh
a lot of criminal behavior, a

lot of assaults, batteries,
fights, and you know, we uh it

would I'll never forget it.

We were at Burger King, and
there was a kid from a rival,

you know, uh set and you know,
were gang at this Burger King,

and he probably shouldn't have
been there.

And I remember a big altercation
happening, and I had struck the

kid with a baseball bat, and the
cops had come and right, and I

scattered, but they obviously
found out, you know, who we were

and they were looking for me.

And, you know, the cops were
cruising by my house and and you

know, they had knocked on the
door and told my parents that

like when I got home that they
needed to, you know, they needed

to talk to me.

And I knew what that meant
because I knew I knew what we

just did, right?

So the bottom line is what what
what ended up happening is I I

left and I went down, you know,
to the hood and and just kind of

hid out there for a while.

And my aunt, my sister's uh my
my my mom's sister, Ida, she uh

she showed up one day and she
was married to the high-powered

lawyer in Beverly Hills.

And uh, you know, and and she'd
always been one of my kindred

spirits and we were close.

And somehow she found me.

She found me in the hood, and
you know, you know, and I'll

never forget the day because
like right back then, vanilla

ice was like a big deal, right?

And so here's my aunt, my
Beverly Hills lawyer, you know,

uh lawyer's wife aunt, and she
pulls up in a brand new 5.0 GT

Mustang, black, black on black,
literally to the hood.

And I'm there with like 15, 20
of my like the homies, and

there's girls cooking chicken in
the back.

Like we're having like a
barbecue at like 11 o'clock in

in the morning, right?

And we just we've been up for
days, and she comes in and she

poses as she's my girlfriend,
and like she whispers my ear,

just go with it, right?

And I'm like, okay, and and she
she uh she she gets me, pulls me

aside, and she's like, You're
coming with me after this.

And I'm like, I can't, like, I'm
not going with you.

I can't.

Like, fucking, and she's like,
I'll do whatever you want.

And this is what a stupid 14, 15
year old kid with a criminal

mind and you know, problem with
drugs and alcohol at a young age

says.

And I'm like, I'll tell you
what, like, if you go buy a

bunch of alcohol for me and my
homies, like, I'm good.

And she's like, Bet.

She's like, deal.

And she went and bought about
$700 in alcohol, which was a ton

of money at that time.

And uh, and we got drunk for the
next 18 hours.

And at some point, she lured me
to the car and she she took me

out of there.

And uh, you know, I guess I
didn't know the severity of the

situation because my whole
family had been watching me like

go downhill.

And like I said, I come from a
great Italian family.

I was close with my
grandparents, right?

I was always the underdog, so
everybody rooted for me, loved

me because my dad was in prison,
and right, my mom is a single

mom.

And and so like she picked me up
and you know, and she swooped me

out of there.

And I figure we're going to her
house in Beverly Hills.

I'm like thinking, how bad can
this be?

Like, Uncle Bob will take care
of all my problems.

And we went straight to LAX.

And she put me on a plane, and
she got on the plane, and she

flew me 3,000 miles away.

And my godfather, my godfather,
who I hadn't seen since, you

know, for many moons, you know,
before, he uh he lived in the

White Mountains in New
Hampshire.

And Uncle he was uh you know the
kindest, sweetest guy, but he

was a he was a gold box and he
was big heart but tough, like

tough as nails, right?

And and uh I had dreadlocks, I I
I had uh pair of knives.

Yeah, so you know, my my my
godfather and my uncle, he uh he

had made my grandfather a
promise and my mom a promise

that he would he would he would
get me straight, right?

And now I'm on this farmhouse
literally with a in a town of a

population of like 600 people,
right?

And it's cold, it's it's it it
gets to 30 degrees below zero

there.

Like it's literally I can't
paint a picture of uh good

enough about what a culture
change it was from going from

Los Angeles to you know to
Romney, New Hampshire, you know,

and uh and it happened literally
in 12 hours.

And and so, you know, somehow,
you know, they had told the

athletic director and the school
there, small, small school, 550

students, right?

So uh they they had told uh they
they had told told them I was a

decent football player.

So somehow like they got me in
school right away.

Even though I'd already dropped
out of school, had no

transcripts, like all of a
sudden I'm I'm in school, and um

it's a it's a Tuesday, Tuesday
or Wednesday, and I show up and

I'm suited up for the game on
Friday.

Like that's what kind of that's
what kind of small town it was.

I didn't even know a play to put
me a defensive back, and and and

the bottom line is my uncle had
some rules, right?

I couldn't I couldn't date, I
had to play three sports, and

you know, he loved me and he was
this soft gentleman man, but

like the first time I got there,
like he he he hit me in the jaw

and knocked me flat on my ass
and let me know that he was

always gonna be able to beat my
ass.

So I was gonna, you know, I
wasn't gonna give him any

trouble, right?

And they had they they didn't
have a lot of money.

I'm not I don't want to say they
were poor, but they didn't have

a lot of money.

He was a janitor for the local
college and just hard working.

And uh, you know, the winters,
many years of winters out there

made him just a hard-nosed,
tough, you know, guy.

And and so I knew at an early
age, like uh at 15 years old,

like I didn't I didn't want to
sit there and A, be in fist

fights with my uncle, B, he
could whip my ass.

And uh so I just kind of like
started going with the program

the best I could.

And uh they had, you know, they
were really, really tough on me.

A lot of chores, like I'd be
cutting down maple trees with

bowsaws, I'd be, you know,
cleaning the the floors with on

my hands and knees, and it was a
big 5,000 square foot like old

farmhouse.

And, you know, some people might
even think like what I went

through was could be considered
abuse, but like people that come

from where we come from, Austin,
it was really love, and it was

more of like a boot camp, a boot
camp of love.

And uh my uncle would drive me
to school and he'd and he'd

drive me home and he'd stop the
car two miles before, you know,

he got to school and two miles
after, and I would he would say,

get out and run.

And so like I just kind of
became this little legend in

this small town.

People thought we were crazy
because they'd see me just

running, like just running
constantly, him following me in

this beat up old station wagon.

It almost looked psychotic
psychotic, right?

But uh I, you know, big fish,
small pond.

I ended up, you know, excelling
there, right?

I ended up becoming all-state,
played in the national shrine

bowl.

I was uh state champion, New
England finalist, you know,

Northeast regional champion of
wrestling.

I was uh I meddled in four
events at the state track meet,

and you know, so like once
again, big fish, small pond,

right?

Small state coming from
California and growing up in

that competitive environment of
athletics and then going to a

small state with the population
that's similar to Los Angeles.

I was a big deal there and they
kept me out of trouble.

So I I got a full scholarship uh
to wrestle at Cal State

Bakersfield.

They had they had took third in
in the the the country in the

NCAs the year before.

It was a big opportunity.

And so I was finally gonna come
home to California.

It had been three years, right?

I was I was now gonna be 18
years old, right?

Although, you know, nobody was
probably looking for me, more so

the cops than anybody else,
right?

And I was gonna I was gonna go
go and wrestle and have a great

life, right?

Like I didn't drink, I didn't do
drugs during this time, right?

Like this this three years, and
I'd kind of shaped up my life.

And uh so I had to go play in
this shrine football game in the

summer.

It was the last thing I had to
do.

I was nominated, I said I'd go.

So I flew, and it was the
practice facilities were three

weeks.

It was at Dartmouth, Dartmouth
University, right?

And man, like all of a sudden,
like though my old thinking

kicked in.

I'll never forget.

I was I was walking back from
practice.

I'm 17, gonna be 18 years old.

I had my shirt off in between
two days at the for the shrine

event, and a little hot blonde
rolls by and and um and she like

says something out the window.

And next thing you know, like
I'm talking to her.

She's a junior in college.

I'm not even in college yet,
right?

And I wasn't allowed to date,
drink, party, or anything and uh

for three years.

And man, it was like it was like
it never stopped that old, it

was like it, it was like that
that three-year break never

happened because within days I
was hanging out with her,

sneaking out of the dorms,
right?

Missing curfew for this, you
know, this this sporting event

that was supposed to be an
honor, right?

My whole family's flying in from
all over the country to watch me

play in this football game.

And and uh I get busted the
night before the game, sneaking

out.

And I I and I lose my starting
position.

I end up playing in the game, I
end up, you know, doing well,

getting an interception, like it
ends up working out, right?

But like what a what a what a
consequence, right?

Like to, you know, all my family
members flying out, you know,

across the country to see me.

And you know, I'm sneaking out
to see some girl and drink with

some, you know, older girl.

And and and so I'm supposed to
get on this plane, go back to

California and roll at Cal State
Bakersfield.

Like I got my dorm picked out,
and everything's like ready.

And man, dude, all of a sudden I
decide with four hours to get to

get on this plane.

I'm not going.

I'm in love.

I'm in love.

And uh I just and I tell my
parents and I tell my family,

and they're just devastated,
right?

They're just devastated, right?

But like they can't force me,
right?

So I end up, you know, trying to
walk on at this little D3

school, local school, where, you
know, where this girl goes to

school and and I'm not enrolled
in school.

I never applied to school.

I talked to the wrestling coach.

He's like, Of course we'll have
you.

He's like, take two classes
part-time.

I'm like, I got no place to
live.

I'm not enrolled in school.

He's like, I'll put you with
these wrestlers.

And they lived in the Delta Kai
frat house, these two wrestlers.

So I'm crashing at the Delta Kai
frat house, and a couple of them

are renting like a uh another
house, like right.

So I somehow they make it work.

So I'm living with these three
wrestlers, and and it's just a

straight little D3 New England
party school.

Like on Thursday to from
Thursday to Sunday, there's tech

parties at 18 different
locations, and that's how

everybody makes their money to
pay their rent and live on is

these tech parties.

And I'm all of a sudden I'm
living, I'm living there.

And uh, and so, anyways, you
probably want no want to know

what happened to the girl,
right?

So obviously school starts and
her boyfriend comes back and she

makes it know she she she makes
it knowing that I was just a

little weekend, you know, little
fling.

And so now I've I've basically,
you know, screwed off my whole

future, threw away at one of the
top top wrestling schools in the

country at the time, and uh I'm
stuck in a a frat house slash

you know tank house with no
girlfriend and uh no money, and

uh and I'm taking two classes at
a D3 school.

And uh so I I learned how to
drink in the next three months.

Like I learned how to drink,
like I learned how to drink,

like we drank.

And when we're done drinking,
we'd go to wrestling practice,

and then after wrestling
practice, we'd drink and then

we'd you know, repeat it.

Like, and uh man, uh, and and
that's how I made some money

because we threw these parties,
like right Thursday and Friday,

we'd throw these parties, and
then you know, there something

happened.

My my my grandfather had died,
and and uh my grandmother was

alone.

She ended up dying about eight
months after he died.

But like uh, you know, my
grandfather and grandmother,

like they they came out one last
time to New England, and they

were everybody was trying to get
me to see my grandparents who

were like my my idols, my my
soul.

They were the only stability I
knew growing up.

And uh I was so fucked up and so
drunk that like I I didn't want

to even see him, and I didn't
have to do much to see him.

Like all I had to do was make a
call.

They were gonna come over, give
me a quick hug, kiss.

And it's one of my biggest
regrets, you know.

Really one of my one of my
biggest regrets.

And and so here's what happened,
Austin.

I don't know.

Like, I don't know what
happened, like what most

people's like moment of clarity
should have been, but like, so

I'm drunk.

Um, I'm drunk on a on a
Saturday, right?

We had a huge uh Friday night
party.

I'm like passed out in the
bathtub, like total John Belushi

animal house scenes.

It's like half naked chicks
sprawled around.

My roommates are just sprawled
around on the floors, the

couches, the house is trashed,
right?

Like after the keg party in the
basement, it always ended up

being after party upstairs,
right?

And so, and I'm somehow I made
it in the bathtub, and I'm just

like half drunk, half hung over.

I don't know.

I just and all of a sudden
there's a nudge on my shoulder,

wakes me up, right?

And it's uh my godfather, that
same guy who had shaped me up

and and knocked me out, and
standing next to him is uh army

recruiter.

And he said, uh, he said, EJ,
because that's what they used to

call me.

Like, you you're going nowhere.

Like you're back to where you
were when I got you.

Like you're you're not going to
class, you you screwed up every

opportunity, right?

You've already been picked up
for disorderly contact twice,

like, you know, like like you're
headed for a bad place.

And I want you to hear what this
man says.

And what that man said was that
I could go to Germany and

wrestle on the you know, all
army Greco Roman team.

He said I'd be get a$50,000
signing bonus guaranteed station

in Germany, and uh, you know,
and and that I could sign today.

And I I've always made quick
decisions, Austin, right?

Like as you can see, I made
quick decisions.

I got shipped across the country
in 12 hours, and in about, you

know, 33 minutes, I enrolled in
the United States Army.

You know, they took me down, had
me take the ASVAB.

And next thing you know, you
know, I I'm on a cattle car in

in in Fort Sill, Oklahoma, a lot
in Oklahoma, right?

I'm on a cattle car, and um it
like dawned on me like, how'd I

get here?

Like, how did I get here?

Like, you know, next thing you
know, like we're doing push-ups,

we're getting dusted, flutter
kicking.

I got guys yelling at me,
telling me I'm a piece of shit,

right?

And I'm just asking myself, how
did I get here?

They told me I was gonna go to
Germany, drink beer, see

beautiful women, and wrestle.

And now now I'm in the middle of
Oklahoma, you know, uh uh basin.

And and and so I don't know what
you do when you're in

uncomfortable spots, but I'll
tell you what I did, right?

I'm in basic training, you know,
I'm miserable.

I'm maxed a PT test, I shoot
sharpshooter.

Like I'm two weeks from
graduating, going to AIT,

getting closer to Frankfurt,
Germany.

And like, I don't know, one one
day I just got a case of the

fuckets and I decided I want to
get a tattoo.

And I snuck out, low crawled out
the base, got in a cab, went to

Wichtap Falls, Texas, got a
tattoo, and nothing really

happened.

Like I ended up getting Article
15 because somebody snitched on

me, right?

So but it was a little fine, not
a big deal.

Next uh about three days later,
I'm like, I'm gonna do it again.

And this time this time I went
to downtown Lauden, I went to

the strip bars and and had a
blast and snuck back in a base.

And I I just started repeating
this and repeating this.

And I'm only like two weeks away
from graduating and going to

EIT, one one step from freedom,
right?

And uh, and all of a sudden I
meet this girl.

Uh, once again, I'm I meet her,
and uh she looks at me and she

said, They don't make guys like
you in Texas.

I'm from Dallas, I'm up here
visiting, right?

And she's like, I'm actually up
here for a wedding.

And I don't know, what I heard
is she loved me.

And and so the next day I snuck
out of base, I went to Walmart,

I bought some clothes, and I
called her and said, Can I go to

that wedding with you?

And I went to the wedding, and
then we kind of like hung out

for a little bit, and and I was
just in love, right?

And and and so, you know, I go
back to the army, she goes back

to Dallas, right?

And the Oklahoma City bombing,
like it just happened.

So the whole base is kind of
like on alert.

And uh, and I call her like one
one afternoon, and I'm like,

come get me.

She's like, Really?

And I'm like, Yeah.

So she drives the three and a
half hours up to Lauden in a red

fire bird.

She pulls up.

I'd low crawl at a base and jump
in her car, and I never went

back, right?

I never went back.

I just didn't tell anybody, just
jumped in her car and off to

Dallas.

I went.

And and man, six months later I
got a knock on the door, and it

was the military police, and
they tracked me down in Allen,

Texas.

And uh they said, You need to
come with me, you need to come

with us, Privacy ASIO.

And they took me down to Dallas
maps, and right, and they didn't

know what to do with me.

They didn't know what to do with
me.

They're like, they had never
seen anything like this before,

right?

They'd seen a lot of people go
AWOL, they'd seen a lot of

people, you know, screw up, but
like this was one they'd kind of

never seen, right?

Like um, and and so they they
looked at me and they're like,

Do you know that you can be
court-martial, tried for

treason, and and and shot or
hang right now?

And I'm like, What are you
talking about?

It's like we're at war, Bosnio
Kosovo, right?

And I'm like, oh shit.

You know, and uh right, so it
got real for a second, and then

they they they sat me down, they
put me in a cell, and and uh

they brought me in and they they
looked at me and they said, you

know what, like you're not worth
our time.

We're gonna give you a general
discharge and classify it as

failure to adapt.

And that was the first time I I
had heard failure to adapt,

right?

Uh and and that's really the
story of my life.

I've always been had a had a
problem adapting.

And uh, and so they let me out
of the army and now I'm a line

cook.

I've never had a job in my life,
right?

Except throwing parties at a at
a you know little frat house,

and I'm a line cook, breaking
out in sweat hives, and and and

and then I try a couple other
random jobs working at a gas

station, pumping like concierge
gas, and I'm just struggling.

I'm out here in Texas, and she
ends up getting pregnant.

That's what happens, right?

I'm 18 years old.

I've already dropped out of a
college, went AWOL from the

army, and I'm now I'm gonna be a
father, and I got no life

skills.

I have no life skills, and uh,
you know, I I do the I make the

best of it, like best of an
alcoholic drug addiction, I

guess, right?

Like, and obviously that
relationship didn't work, you

know.

It did not work, you know, and
uh and I'll fast forward a

little bit.

I end up back in California, she
stays in Texas, you know, and

and uh I start running amok
pretty hard in Santa Clara,

California, just drinking and
doing drugs.

My drug use starts amplifying a
little bit, and it's still

pretty mellow, right?

But like I now I've met Xanax,
I've you know, I I've met some

harder drugs, cocaine, and uh,
you know, it's no longer weed

and and and just alcohol, right?

And and so like I just I just
kind of hit the skids a little

bit, like and just I'm doing
nothing.

I'm sleeping on mom's couch, I'm
depressed because this chick's

got my kid.

And uh that that stepfather I
told you is now sober uh at this

time about about 18 years.

And uh about about 16 years.

He's sober about 16 years, and
he comes in and we developed a

pretty good relationship.

He'd been there through all this
struggle, and he, you know, like

and we developed a pretty good
relationship.

And uh he says, I think you
should check out, you know, this

12-step recovery program.

And uh, and he drops me off at
my first meeting, right?

And he doesn't go up with me, he
just says, Hey, like you'll find

your people up there, like just
go up there and find your

people.

And and uh I'll never forget
like the first I'm here while

listening to all these guys
share in this 12-step, you know,

recovery meeting, and they're
sharing, they're sharing about

their life and all these
blessings, and it's my turn,

it's my turn to share.

And so I just remember saying,
like, I don't know about you

guys, you you you drug addicts
and you alcoholics and you guys,

but like I'll tell you why I'm
here.

I'm just trying, I'm just trying
to get sober long enough to to

to kill this bitch and get my
kid back.

And that's what I said.

That's what I that's what I
said, right?

And I got these crazy looks, and
and they just told me to keep

coming back and keep coming
back, and and next thing you

know, I'm playing Pinochle in
the back of the room before the

meetings and after the meetings,
and you know, and what really

happened, Austin, and I know I
know a lot of people's stories

is like this, is is God started
just you know putting little

breadcrumbs in front of front of
me because I had no intention of

getting clean or sober at that
point.

I had no intention, and and and
and I got little breadcrumbs,

and all of a sudden somebody
gave me a little job and couch

to sleep on.

I'm not uh on mom's mom's uh
mom's couch.

I'm living with these guys in
recovery, and and I'll never

forget what the my the first
life-changing moment I had, and

I was sitting in a meeting.

I just walked in, I was I wasn't
even sitting down, I was in the

back room, big, big meeting,
like 180 people in this meeting,

and uh I saw this, I saw this
girl.

She got up and she went to
share, and man, she looked like

the Noxema girl.

She looked like the Noxema girl.

She's 118 pounds, the most
beautiful, pale white skin, and

just angelic eyes.

And I saw her from the back of
the room, and and I don't know,

man.

I the only thing that could come
out of my mouth was like, I'm

gonna marry that chick one day.

And um, and that was the first
time I I ever uh saw Celine

Siascio.

And uh and it uh and that was
that was that was 27 years ago,

but um, and nothing much
happened.

I was this this newcomer guy.

I was just this newcomer guy,
right?

Had 20 minutes sober, nine pot
to piss in.

And uh, you know, many moons,
many moons later, after we were

married and we popped out a
bunch of kids, her two best

friends happened when I they
happened to be sitting in the

back of that room that night and
they'd never told her.

Wow, and they heard me say that.

And they said, We heard you say
that a long time ago.

Wow, you know, and uh I wish I
could tell you, uh Austin, that

it's been Sunshine and Rainbows,
and that like I have that

storybook, you know, love story
that I've always been, you know,

this great husband, and that
it's been just man, just been a

been a rad experience because
like it started out like that

storybook, but you know, uh I've
never been, you know, I've never

been able to just adapt to
situations.

And all of a sudden, like I I
met my dream girl, we got

married, we started popping out
kids.

I got a second chance to be a
father, you know, uh through

these recovery programs.

I I got some hope and I started
accomplishing things in in

business in life that a
22-year-old kid, because I'm

22-year-old uh at this point,
should have no business

accomplishing.

No business.

You know, I I didn't have a
college degree.

In fact, I only I only had six
college credits.

And uh at the time it was almost
impossible to to work for a Wall

Street firm.

You know, a lot has changed
since, but that's back when you

had to have an MBA to be
guaranteed and a BA and the

right dad to, you know, to get
in these firms.

And, you know, I had a pursuit
of happiness type story.

I was young in in in sobriety,
and uh this guy told me, like,

hey, you can do anything.

And so So I just started
calling.

I started calling this guy,
called him every day for 30

days, told him I wanted to work
for him.

I want to be a stockbroker.

You know, next thing you know,
I'm working for UBS.

You know, next thing you know,
man, we pop out a couple other

kids.

Now I'm working for Merrill
Lynch.

You know, next thing you know,
I'm about eight, nine, eight,

I'm in recovery for about eight
to nine years at this point.

And I'm working for Fidelity
Investments, managing$2.7

billion.

You know, and all went well for
a while for me.

Right?

All went well for a while, you
know, and uh it looked like I

was on the verge of having a a
great life.

And uh what happened is is is I
was living a lie, you know.

I I I was I was sponsoring, you
know, seven to eight guys.

I was going to meetings, I was
the guy who was showing up in

suits that everybody looked up
to.

And on the inside, I was still a
liar, cheating a thief.

You know, I'd broken every vow
that I'd made to that woman.

I had uh I'd lied to everybody I
encountered.

Most of all, I lied to myself,
right?

And and what was going on is I
always felt like a fraud.

Right?

I always felt like a fraud.

I've always felt like I didn't
belong.

And what happened is then Sandy
returned.

Insanity returned, and I had no
choice but to use again.

And I was in Dallas, Texas.

I just got the biggest promotion
of my life.

I was doing a training out
there.

I this promotion was pretty much
gonna ensure my family would be

able to live any life they
wanted.

You know, and uh and we were at
a bar, and I was all I was

always the clean and sober one.

All my co-workers worked, and
there's this little shot girl,

she was uh little NASCAR shot
outfit, and I'll never forget,

she came by with this this shot,
this you know, shot bottle, and

she said she lifted my head back
and I opened my mouth and she

poured it in.

And uh, and that's how it
happened.

And it was not a lot of thought.

It just it was not a lot of
thought.

I was just broken inside and
like right.

And uh what happened is and I
don't know if anybody, any

listeners have ever relapsed,
right?

But but I'll tell you how my
beautiful wife and family found

out about my relapse, right?

So that was at about 9 p.m.

and about 12:30, you know, a.m.

one o'clock a.m.

I get a call from Celine and she
says, honey, I said, Yes.

She says, Are you at a
restaurant?

And I said, Yes.

She says, Do they have
waitresses?

And I said, Yes.

She said, Are they wearing
clothes?

I'm like sorry.

And uh, and uh Amax had called
her and told her uh just wanted

to make sure the$3,800 and
credit card charges uh, you

know, were valid.

And she looked up on Google or,
you know, whatever search engine

at the time and realized that I
was at a uh, you know, I was at

a gentleman's club.

You know, and then she asked me,
she asked me if I was sober, and

I said no.

And I had to fly back home the
next day, you know.

Uh my wife's sober 35 years
today of continuous, you know,

sobriety and in good standing.

And good standing, right?

So you can imagine here she is
with, you know, with four

children, young children, right?

And I'm the sole provider at the
time.

And we have I'm building this
life for our family, and and we

do, you know, we met in
recovery, we share a life of

recovery, and all of a sudden, I
drink, you know, and I use.

And uh, and and so what really
happens is I I I got I got four

hours to figure out what to tell
this woman.

And uh I told her the only thing
that I I knew would work because

I knew how much she loved me and
I knew how much she loved

12-step recovery.

And I told I I told her I didn't
think I was an alcoholic or drug

addict.

I told her that the instructions
in in the literature of these

12-step recovery programs
clearly state that if I didn't

think so, that I should, you
know, that I should go try some

controlled drinking and using.

Yep.

And I and I knew what she would
say because she's a believer of

those principles.

And uh, and so for the next
eight years, I destroyed our

life.

Wow.

Wow.

I didn't I didn't attempt one
recovery in the next eight

years.

I went from the creative
creative artist building, the

most exclusive bus uh building
in Beverly Hills, Century City,

and that big job, to living on
in motels on beach and ball.

You know, I had blue hair, I was
165 pounds, and I hadn't seen my

kids with my wife in what seemed
like eight 18 months, you know,

but it was a long time.

See, my wife was cool, bro.

You know, like this is this,
she's like I got blessed when I

found her because like most
wives, you destroy their lives,

you abandon them, you defraud
them, you know, you take their

money out of their bank account,
you destroy their children, like

when it and you run amok, like
most wives, like most wives are

gonna tell you like where you
can go, where you can go take it

when you call them and and ask
to see your kids.

And and here's what my wife
said.

She says, Ernie, I'm never gonna
keep you away from your

children.

I only have one request.

You gotta be clean and sober one
day before you see them.

You don't have to be sober the
day before that day or the day

after that day.

But I need to get I need you to
have one day before you see the

kids.

We don't have to talk about our
marriage, we don't have to talk

about, you know, the future.

We don't have to talk about
anything.

But if you want to see your
kids, you just gotta get one day

clean and sober.

And I'll tell you, Austin, I
couldn't get one day clean and

sober.

I missed graduations, I missed,
I missed birthdays, I missed

Christmas, I missed funerals.

Like, I couldn't get one day
clean and sober, you know.

And I'm grateful that the
California Department of

Corrections ended up being my
Eskimo.

And what happened is I I hadn't
slept for four or five days, and

uh and uh, you know, I couldn't
drive, so I had one of the

females that was with me drive
the car.

And she made an illegal
left-hand turn, and the next

thing you know, we were pulled
over, and I had a bunch of dope

in the car, enough dope to send
me away for a long time.

And I'll never forget, like they
pulled us out of the cars, I'm

handcuffed behind my back, the
whirly birds uh going overhead,

right?

And the guy comes over to me and
he says, Hey, we found a bunch

of dope.

Um we found a bunch of dope.

We think there's a lot more,
right?

We think there's a lot more in
the car, right?

They found some dope.

I'm one of the guys that was in
the car and the girls.

And then, like, we think there's
a lot more dope.

We got the dogs coming.

And here's the thing like I knew
exactly what to say.

My dad was a 1%, you know,
outlaw biker.

I'd been running amok long
enough, right?

I'd spent enough time on the
streets to know exactly what to

say.

There's there's three other
people in the car, one's a

two-striker.

All I have to do is say nothing.

All I had to do was say nothing.

And I looked up to the heavens
above and I knew it was time to

come in.

And what I told that man was
there was a bunch of dope in

that car.

He didn't need to bring the the
the dogs, and it was all mine.

And uh, I don't know, looking
back, I don't know if that was a

great idea because but uh but
next thing you know, I have two

felonies, one uh for narcotics
trafficking, right?

I can never be a stockbroker
again, I can never hold a

professional license again,
right?

And uh and I'm looking at up to
up to four and a half years in

state prison.

Thank God it was in California,
in Florida or Texas, it would

have been 20.

Right.

And and what saved my bacon was
that the all those years, you

know, being in recovery, uh,
this was m would have been my

first adult offense.

Like, and the truth is the the
district attorney was so

shocked.

He's like, How the hell can you
get butt busted with all this

stuff?

How can you look like this?

How can you how can you be
living this life and you've

never been arrested before as an
adult?

And it was all due to the
12-step recovery programs and

that previous, you know, eight
and eight and a half, almost

nine years of recovery.

Like I'd stayed out of trouble,
you know?

And uh, and all my trouble was
as a youth.

So, like the they gave me a
deal.

They basically told me that they
would give me four four and a

half years in state prison, but
they would suspend it if I did

four and a half years of felony
probation.

They gave me hundreds of hours
of community service.

I had to check in every week, uh
to test every week, I had to pay

money.

And uh I said, okay.

And what what happened, Austin,
was like I hadn't seen my wife

for a long time.

She never came to visit me in
jail, right?

Like while I was waiting to go
to trial and stuff.

And and uh, you know, but she
knew I was getting out.

My sister had gone to the last
hearing, and and so she had

passed the message that if I if
if I wanted to if I wanted to to

talk about my future, that like
she'd be there one last time,

but like, but she wasn't gonna
be she wasn't gonna be at the

jail.

She was gonna be 20 miles away
and to call her, she was gonna

be in in Culver City, she wasn't
gonna be downtown to pick me up,

but like if I really wanted to
talk, to call her, and she'd be

there.

And uh I got out and I there was
a moment where I could have gone

left or I could have gone right.

Like there were some guys going
to run them up and party.

And for some reason, like I went
to the payphone and I called my

wife and I said, I want to talk.

And she's like, Okay.

She's like, I'll come get you
and we can talk.

And I got in the car when she
said Austin, she said, like, I

already have the divorce papers
drawn up.

And she showed them to me.

She's like, I just gotta sign
them.

She's like, but I don't want to
sign him.

And she said, but here's my
terms.

You gotta go back into recovery
and you gotta get a sponsor and

you gotta check out this church
with me.

And she's like, if you're
willing to do that, then I'm

gonna give it one last shot.

unknown: Wow.

SPEAKER_03: And uh, and of
course I said yes, not even

knowing what I was agreeing to,
Austin.

Didn't even know what I was
agreeing to, right?

Because I will tell you, like,
using and drinking for eight

years without any type of
meeting or intervention in

between, like it really
scrambled my brain.

Like I was I was pretty
scrambled, right?

And and so, so on the way up
there, right, I she's like, and

you need to get a sponsor,
right?

Like that was that term.

And I'd so I'd asked about this
guy, Glen C.

And I had said, Glen C still
around.

And the reason I'd asked for
Glen C is he's the only man in

that previous nine-year, almost
nine-year recovery had told me I

was a liar, achievement, thief,
and piece of shit.

Like I didn't even know the guy.

I ended up in his car one day
going to a poker tournament and

out of blue, he just assaulted
my character.

And I was so and I was so
offended, I was so offended,

right, that everything he said
was true.

And he was the only one who
could see it.

He was the only one who could
see it.

So I asked about this guy, and
she said, Yeah, in fact, he's

pretty active.

I said, Well, I'm gonna talk to
him, give me his number.

And uh, you know, Glenn had been
a liar, a cheat, and a thief,

and he didn't have to get loaded
to start over, you know, and and

he'd changed his life, he had
changed his life, and he could

see that in me when he said that
to me.

He could see I was a liar,
cheating, and a thief because he

had been one, and he had got
away from what I was getting

away with, and uh, and so I so I
go up to Santa Clarita, and

obviously we have no money.

Like we're living at her dad's
house, which is a trap house,

basically, a house that that
literally probably should have

been condemned.

There was rats in the wall,
there's you know, bees in the

wall.

When you turned on the microwave
power on your television, and

both of the rooms would go out.

Like it was just an old house
and it wasn't taken care of,

right?

But I was grateful.

You know, my father-in-law, rest
in peace, Stony Hayes.

You know, he was always there
for me.

He was always there to try to at
least give me the whatever hand

up he could and speak positivity
over my life.

And so he he let me move, you
know, the wife and the kids in

there, and he gave us a small
little room, about 400 square

feet that he had available.

And there there was six of us
there, right?

And uh I didn't know what to do.

Like I I'm a felon now.

So my my wife, she's waiting
tables day and night.

And uh man, I wanted to run so
bad.

I wanted to go get loaded so
bad, right?

I had zero hope.

And and so I called Glenn and I
asked Glenn, like, if I could

meet him, he's like, Yeah, yeah,
I heard you're back.

I heard you're back.

Like Selena Selena told my wife
that you're back, of course.

And you know, he had already
knew where I was, he had already

knew how fall far I'd fallen
down, right?

And he looked at me and he says,
like, what do you want to do,

son?

And I basically looked at him
and I said, I don't know, I feel

like I want to die.

Like I feel I feel like I want
to die.

You know, and uh I'll never
forget it.

He told me I didn't have to live
the the way I was living no

more.

He said that I could become
anything I was capable of

becoming as long as I put forth
the effort and that I could have

anything in this world that my
heart desired, as long as I

didn't hurt God's kids and and
and break the law.

And and I'll tell you what I
thought, Austin, when he told me

that.

I thought, fuck you with your
lawyer wife and your and and

your big general contracting
business.

I'm like, I don't think you
heard me.

Like, I want to die, like I got
nothing.

And then what he said before I
could spew any poison out of my

mouth is I know you don't
believe any of that, but I

believe it.

And uh he gave me a commitment
list, and I had to go to 17

meetings a week for my, you
know, every week, and I had to

show up 15 minutes before, 15
minutes after, right, to greet.

And I had to raise my hand to
read one of the readings, right?

And I'd fall short.

I don't know about you, but like
I I was spun, right?

So I'd fall short.

I'd get there, I'd get there 13
minutes before to greet, and

then the coffee break, the phone
would ring, somebody would run

over, they'd give me the cell
phone, they'd be like, somebody

wants to talk to you, and it'd
be Glenn telling me my word was

no good and hanging up on me
that I was supposed to be there

15 minutes, you know.

And and then, and then all of a
sudden, uh secretary of the

meeting, she she uh she don't
pick on me to read to read the

the reading, she picks on this
other guy.

I'm sitting there, coffee break,
phone rings.

It's Glenn telling me friggin'
telling me my words no good,

that I'm not gonna make it.

And and this was like my life
for the first six or nine months

of this recovery.

And and so one day I'd go to
Glenn and I'm like, I don't

understand like why you keep
saying that, man.

Like I'm trying, like I'm
trying.

I'm like, what am I supposed to
do?

I raise my I raise my hand, I
raise my hand, and the lady

don't call on me.

And he said, he says, son,
you're supposed to go tell that

that person that makes that
decision that your life depends

on leading that.

He says, I keep telling you that
your word's no good because I

want you to understand that what
when it comes down to drinking

and and using, you're gonna
break your word every time, like

you always have.

And he says, son, you need to
find a spiritual experience.

And and you know, and slowly we
went through the steps.

And and I'd like to tell you
that Austin that it got better

quick for me, and for for an
audience that's listening, man,

everybody like wants to they
want to know that if they start

making these changes, their
life's gonna get better.

And I can tell you that I
suffered for eight years to get

back into recovery.

And I suffered for four years
after after I got back.

Like we like I was sweeping a
parking lot for minimum wage.

Celim was working those two
jobs.

We barely had enough money to
feed the kids.

We were on food stamps still
living it with my father-in-law,

and uh we had one car that had
220,000 miles in it.

And man, if when we started that
thing, you could hear it 16

miles away, the rattling of the
Catholic uh converters, you

know, like we just had a really
tough life.

Like, and I wanted to quit so
many times.

I wanted to quit so many times,
but like God always showed up

those breadcrumbs, right?

God always showed up those
breadcrumbs.

And uh what happened is I
finally, I had finally

surrendered at three years clean
and sober.

It wasn't like when I had done
the step.

It wasn't like when I had, you
know, experienced like in the

process, but here was here's
where it was.

I had uh I'd went to this trade
show, I'd started working with

this guy in the packaging
business, and my I didn't have

any money, and I was too
prideful to ask for a draw to be

able to even pay for taxi cab
from the hotel or wherever I was

gonna stay to the conference,
and and he had offered it, but

like I wouldn't take it.

And uh and my sister had a trade
show at the same time, so she

drove me up there to Austin, and
and what she she would drop me

off at the trade show, and you
know, she's just watching me

like and and and I got no money,
and she's having to hand me out

a couple bucks.

And this is my ride or die.

This was the latchkey sister,
the one who was on the streets

running among.

So she's my and we leave the
trade show, and about 50 miles

outside of Vegas on our way back
to Cali via car, she starts

ripping into me.

She starts ripping into me,
telling me, like, dude, you were

my hero, you were my idol, you
were my big brother, you were

always there to take care of me.

She's like, You've been so
fucked up the last 15 years.

Like, you've been so selfish,
you've been so bad with money,

you haven't given a shit about
your kids, right?

And she just wouldn't stop.

And any other time in my life, I
would have recoiled and

unleashed hell and fury through,
you know, attacks, verbal

attacks at her.

But I just sat there and took
it.

And I just can't even tell you
to this day why I sat there and

took it.

So I for the next two, two and a
half hours, I just sat there and

took it and took it and took it
and didn't say a word, good or

bad.

And I got home and I went and
looked in the mirror.

And I had that moment where I
said, She's right.

It's nobody else's fault.

It's not Celine's fault, it's
not my mom's fault, it's not my

dad's fault for never being
there, it's not God's fault,

like it's mine.

And I just had to surrender and
I said I was gonna do things

different, I was gonna change
things and make some changes.

And I went to Celine and told
her I was gonna make some

changes, and I told her she
didn't have to do it, like she

didn't have to make these
changes, but it was something I

need to do.

And uh and that moment changed
my life.

It changed my life, Austin.

And uh what really happened was
Glenn, Glenn's always been part

of my life.

He's today still still still in
my life, my best friend, my

mentor, my spiritual advisor,
and and he had had me write down

everything I wanted my life to
look like in one year, three

years, and five years of
recovery.

And I did.

And every time I opened that
envelope and read what I wrote,

I had a little more and a little
more.

And uh, like I said, we we
suffered like my those wants on

that first list were just like
to gain the respect of my wife

back, to have my kids look at me
with love, to be able to help

provide in some way.

They weren't grandiose, they
weren't grandiose things.

And uh, and then at three years
it was simpler, it was simpler

to maybe be able to provide an
apartment for my family, right?

Like the most simple, simple
things.

And at five years to be able to
right, to be able to provide

some type of future and hope for
my kids, whether it was

extracurricular events or
supporting, maybe saving for

their college, right?

The simplest things.

Nothing like the grandiose ideas
I had when I was working on Wall

Street many months ago, you
know?

And uh and I'll tell you,
something changed at five years

of recovery for me.

Glenn told me, You're struggling
still, son.

You're still struggling.

I see how hard you're working.

You're you're sweeping parking
lots, you're working at night,

you're struggling.

And he said, probably the most
profound thing I've ever heard.

I mean, it is, it's gonna change
generations, what that man told

me that day.

He said, Helps God's kids and he
will make you rich.

And all of a sudden I got active
in mentorship and service in

these recovery programs, and
even outside them.

And uh I don't know, I have a
hard time telling my story

Austin because it I don't want
it to sound braggadocious and I

really struggle telling it
because of that fact.

But like I painted a picture, I
painted a picture to you what

life looked like at five years
of recovery still, and the

suffering and the pain, and I
was doing everything right.

That and uh um, you know, I can
tell you today at almost 12

years, it looks nothing like
that.

Like, right, I I all I ever
wanted to do was be successful

and feel a part of and be able
to adapt to society, right?

And uh, and I but I think God
had a plan because like sweeping

those parking lots for minimum
wage, pushing those boxes for

$100 a shift, you know, I I I
learned about work ethic, I

learned about humility, I
learned about how to respect

people.

Like I learned all the things
that I never learned growing up,

or that I never cared.

And and so what my life looks
like today is that you know, I

have uh nine kids.

And uh it's because throughout
this this almost 12 years, like

God has put kids in our lives
that needed parents, and that

that and so like we just started
pulling them off the streets and

we made them part of our family,
like in the will kids.

Like when I say I have nine
kids, like in the will, like

they all get treated the same.

Yeah, yeah.

And uh, you know, and you you
got to hear from Dallas, you

know, he's probably one of the
greatest miracles I've ever

seen, and one of my greatest
blessings.

But you put you, you know, I
have an another adopted son

named Tyler and Jordan, and we
have Michelle, and then we have

our five biological children.

So we have nine, we have nine
children today, and uh I'd most

of them work for the family
business, and I get to work with

them every day.

In fact, in fact, right now, all
nine of them work for one of the

family businesses, you know?

And uh I got seven grandchildren
with another one on the way.

And I'm sure I'm sure that
number is gonna grow.

Um man, this is a tough one,
man.

Like uh God has blessed me with
being an employer over the last

uh over the last five or six
years.

I've had the pleasure of
employing almost 2,000 people.

Today we still have a couple
hundred employees that work for

us.

Um and uh man, I have no I have
no financial worry like I've or

or fear, like God has provided
so much in abundance to the

point that Celine and I can be
generous to God's kids without

fear of being able to think that
we may go without.

And we that's what we try to do,
right?

And that's just so far.

Like, how do you get from there
to here?

Like, how do you how do you go
from that hopeless to this life?

And it can only be through God
and and and these recovery

programs, you know.

And my message, right?

Like when people that I
encounter Austin, when they tell

me how tough it is, and when
they're, you know, like I look

at them and I'm like, and I tell
them, and it's like I don't have

any empathy because I was there,
but what I but what I have is a

lot of hope.

I have a lot of hope.

And then I tell them my story,
right?

But like I I I look for those
people because the hole that we

had to dig out, the suffering
that we had to go to go through

just to be where we are today,
you know, what it does is it

strengthens your relationship,
you know, in this power, this

God, because like he was there
the whole time.

The breadcrumb crumbs.

I have thousands of stories I
could tell you, Austin, about

the little breadcrumbs that kept
us going, you know, the small

blessings, the the the teachers,
the mentors, the the the

stewards, right, that we we've
encountered.

And uh, you know.

I mean, it's if you would have
told me I would have the life I

have today, I'd say there's no
way.

You know, and and and I tell
people just come come follow us,

come look at this beautiful
family that God has given me.

I'm I'm I was just a wretch.

I was undeserving wretch who'd
abandoned my wife and kids and

couldn't get a day cleaning
sober to see him.

So like I I'm really grateful
you had me come on.

I struggle to tell my story
because of the reasons I told

you, because I don't like that
that it sounds grandiose and you

know, but man, God did the God
did the impossible for me and

for my family.

I mean, but I had to do I had to
do the possible.

I had to work, I I had to work
hard.

I had to do shit that would make
a billy goat puke.

SPEAKER_01: Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: Count countless,
countless, countless hours and

hours and thousands of hours of
reading and writing and and and

work.

And and so like my message to
anybody who's listening is is

really like this this life is
available for all of us, but

like, but like it comes at a
price.

Self-sacrifice, self-sacrifice
and a deep faith, and and and

and then once once you get that
life, you gotta pay it for it.

And so I love you, bro.

This is I'm so impressed by this
podcast, and I'm so uh I I so I

so am a fan.

And uh, we watched last week's,
and I'm just so grateful you're

doing this because I think it's
such such a message of hope.

And that's what that's really
what people need, man.

They need a message of hope.

And uh I appreciate you,
brother.

SPEAKER_00: Dude, you too, man.

And I'll tell you, when you were
and I've never met Celia, and I

hope I get to meet her soon, but
I feel like I know her, dude.

And when you were telling that
story, I'm married to a woman

that is, you know, I tell her
all the time, as long as her

denial holds up, you know, our
marriage is probably gonna be

great, right?

But but but she was she was
similar to that for me, you

know.

She always pushed me in a
direction that was far beyond

what I thought I could do.

And so, man, just uh I
appreciate you so much for

coming on and telling that
story, brother.

That was that was a message of
hope.

Was a message of hope, man.

And so cool.

Well, for anyone listening,
thanks for tuning in.

My name's Austin.

We are gonna get the hell out of
here.

We'll catch you on the next one.

Bye bye.