One Last Hit | A Sobriety and Addiction Recovery Podcast

SPEAKER_00: What is happening,
ladies and gentlemen?

My name is Austin, host of the
One Last Hit Podcast.

Thanks for tuning in.

And with me today, Mr.

Shelby M.

Looking like uh he's about to
take off on a runway over here,

dude.

I love your headphones, bro.

Good to have you.

SPEAKER_03: Thanks, Austin.

I appreciate you uh asking me to
be on the show.

And uh yeah, I just got these.

These are actually the gamer
headphones like my son likes to

use.

SPEAKER_00: So yeah, your sound
is solid, dude.

Yeah, yeah.

Actually, do me a favor.

Go down to your little here.

I'm gonna pause.

So Shelby is a very important
guy uh in our our recovery

community here in Orlando.

He's somebody that we all love
the living shit out of.

And but Shelby has struggled the
last couple of years, like like

I did, like a whole bunch of us
have, right?

I mean, I dude, I had over the
over 22 years, I think I had

seven or eight, you know,
relapses after after some

sobriety.

Like every time I'd get a year
or two and then, you know.

And so I think where I'd like to
start, Shelby, if it's all

right, is I'd love to hear from
you what these last, you know, I

don't know if it's been two or
three years or how many years

it's been going on really, but
the in and out that's been going

on, um, can you can you kind of
like I know you had a period of

sobriety before, right?

Like a long one, like nine, ten
years, right?

Yeah.

And and when when you relapsed
after that, when when was that

relapse?

SPEAKER_03: 2023.

SPEAKER_00: Okay, so we're
talking two and a half, three

years.

Um, and so what has that in and
out looked like over the last

couple of years for you, for for
your family, everything?

SPEAKER_03: Um, well, Austin,
it's been uh it's been

definitely a roller coaster.

It's been very uh up and down.

A lot of, you know, I've done a
lot of damage.

Um I think eight detoxes, four
rehabs.

Um I don't know how many white
chips I've picked up.

I lost count.

But um but yeah, it's been it's
been uh been pretty rough.

It's been uh you know, it's made
me kind of have to to go back to

the drawing board a couple
times.

And um, you know, so it's not
fun.

SPEAKER_00: Is there anything is
there anything about that time

that like any stories or you
know, painful moments about that

time that really like kind of
stand out to you as as wow, you

know, these these could have
been catalysts, but but maybe

we're catalysts to relapsing
again.

I don't really know.

Uh, but I'm just curious if if
you've got anything like that.

SPEAKER_03: Oh absolutely.

Um, yeah, I mean, kind of
looking back over those times uh

leading up to when I fell off
when I relapsed the first time.

Um I had you know almost 10
years.

Uh my dad had died recently, I
think a couple years before

that.

And um I kind of started to
drift away from you know

recovery, accountability, um,
the guys that you know would

call me on my shit, um, being in
places where people would, you

know, set eyes on me, and I kind
of just focused on, you know,

I'm gonna do it my way, I'm
gonna make money, I'm gonna take

care of my family, I'm gonna get
the big house and the big car

and the big truck and all that
stuff.

And um, you know, um God, my
relationship with God has always

been a big part of my life since
I was 19.

So I tried to do the, you know,
me and God are doing doing this

thing together, and we don't
mean nobody else for probably

the last two and a half years of
of that last sobriety.

And um I got really sick, you
know.

I got really sick by doing that.

Um, and that's about how long it
took of not going to meetings

and and and just unplugging from
that, you know, uh fellowship

and that network for me to get
to a place where uh taking a

drink, and with me it started
with Kratom.

Um you know, getting to a place
where I put something in my body

to make me feel better took
about two and a half to three

years of unplugging from from
recovery.

Um yeah.

SPEAKER_00: So yeah, I have a
very, very similar story, man.

You know, when I had this is
just pre-Mexico, right?

I had uh seven years of
sobriety, had had disconnected

just enough, had become reliant
on money just enough that

picking up Kratom worked, and
that ended up culminating over

the next two and a half years of
me moving to Mexico and ending

up homeless and blowing through
a million bucks and the whole

nine, dude.

And so, you know, I for this
alcoholic, and it sounds like

for you too, man, you know, that
that that reminder of who and

what we are is uh is a big one,
dude.

Oh for me, it is.

SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah.

And I I think uh looking looking
back at it, starting to think

that I'm you know, I don't have
that problem anymore.

And I mean it was it was
evident.

If you asked anybody around me
leading up to that relapse, you

know, my wife, my kids, people I
work with, how's how's Shelby

doing?

Is he okay?

They'd say, uh, you know, that
guy needs to take a quailute or

something.

That guy needs to need to chill
the fuck out, man.

He's the he's the spaz.

He's you know, he's get the
ball, get the ball, uh, go, go,

go, you know, what's the next
thing?

What's the next thing?

And and and you know, all the
signs were there.

My wife had been feeling very
disconnected from me.

Um, I was avoiding at home.

I wasn't really present.

I'm always, you know, working
till 11 o'clock at night, doing

emails, thinking I'm carrying
the world on my shoulders.

And and um I was, you know,
alone in it by choice.

But that's that's that was my
sickness, you know, taking me to

that place, getting me off
isolated to a place, you know,

kind of like how animals do when
they, you know, when they're

getting ready to die, you know.

That's not my sickness likes to
do with me.

SPEAKER_00: And uh, and yeah, so
man, it's like you just told my

story, man.

I don't know if if your sponsor
said this to you, but mine did

early on.

He said, you know, that part in
the book where it says the great

obsession of every abnormal
drinker is he'll someday control

and enjoy his drinking.

Right.

And he likened this to he said,
you know, life's really the same

way.

If I'm the one that has to be in
control of it, man, there is

just no way that I'm enjoying
it.

And if I'm enjoying it, it's
because I've given up control,

you know, and that really like
uh I never forgot that.

I never forgot that, man.

So um, all right, so we're up to
current day.

Let's go back to uh young
Shelby.

If you had a sitcom, we'd call
it Young Shelby.

Uh, where where did you grow up,
man?

Castlebury, Florida.

Castleberry, wow, you've moved
so far throughout your lifetime.

SPEAKER_03: I grew up in
Castlebury, Florida, right

across the street from the place
where we meet every Wednesday.

In that neighborhood.

Wow.

Wow.

And so we actually, it's a funny
story, but we we used to we used

to make fun of the guys that
would meet at the 12-step

programs.

We were little prampster kids,
you know, and we yeah, we'd go

into the building and get surges
out of the vending machine, and

uh they'd chase us out of there.

We'd hang out in the oak tree in
the back, smoking cigarettes and

stuff like that.

But but yeah, my my childhood
started there.

There's a small house on the
corner.

Um, my dad was a uh really
hard-working guy, you know.

I have uh they had five kids, so
I have three brothers and a

sister.

And uh both my mom and dad were
were very much about you know

work ethic, do a good job for
people, build relationships,

like the the work ethic and the
and the um kind of

perfectionism, performative uh
way of living, like you're only

as good as your last day's work,
like was very much ingrained in

me from a very young age.

Um, I was the oldest out of five
kids, and uh my dad was uh

struggled a lot with alcoholism
and addiction.

Um, and it was it was very
evident to us as young kids, you

know.

Um we I remember watching
through the window, him getting

pulled out of his truck and beat
up on the cops, you know, drunk.

Uh remember him throwing
appliances around the room and

breaking stuff, and and uh my
mom, you know, just watching her

kind of suffer in that and not
you know have a way to get out

of it.

It was it was kind of rough.

SPEAKER_00: Um yeah.

Do you you know, before you ever
picked up a drink or a drug,

like do you have any conscious
memory of like what how you felt

during that time?

Like what were your overwhelming
fears?

Because I just remembered as a
kid, I was high anxiety, you

know, I felt like I couldn't
make friends, like you know,

just there was there was shit
that I wanted to get out of, you

know.

SPEAKER_03: Excuse me.

Um confused, scared, uh angry,
trapped, you know, like is this

my life?

Is this what you know, is this
what I have to look forward to?

Uh, you know, because I looked
up to my my dad, me and him were

were really tight towards the
end before he died, but um, you

know, he was my hero.

Like, I never still to this day,
I've not met a better uh a

better man to swing a hammer,
sell a job, uh, shake of hands

with, you know, like my dad was
my hero, you know, and seeing

him, uh, you know, when when
your hero falls, the only person

you have to look up to, that
crushes your whole reality uh as

a kid.

And I got to a point, you know,
before ever even really picking

up.

I think I I was I was smoking
weed by this point, but you

know, before I got into drugs, I
was very much uh approval

seeking.

Uh how can I get a laugh?

How can I do something, you
know, jump off a roof with a

trash bag, try to parachute, try
to get some attention or some

approval, or you know, I can,
you know, showing everybody I

can do everything better than
everybody else, like, you know,

want to be the fastest guy at
track, and the you know, and I

got like really good grades, but
it was all me trying to earn

value, approval, validation,
something, you know.

And um, and it got to a point I
remember coming home from school

one day, and my dad uh, you
know, I didn't know what

methadone was, but my mom had
forced my dad's methadone down

the toilet.

He had busted all of her windows
out of her car, and the cops

were there, and uh he had ran
off somewhere.

So the cops leave and he comes
back, and uh he had he showed me

a couple weeks before that he
had had a noose down in the

shed.

And uh so him and my mom got
into it, and and it's me, my

brother, my mom, and he goes
walking down into the shed, and

I knew I could see it in his
eyes that he was, you know, he

was about to do it.

So he he said, I'll be in the
shed hanging.

And uh he went, stepped up on a
bucket, and he hung himself

right in front of uh my mom,
myself, and my little brother.

I think I was about 11.

And uh, you know, uh this is
about 60 yards from the house.

I didn't have any way to cut him
down.

So my mom and brother are trying
to pick up on his legs.

And uh so I ran up to the house
and got a knife, came down, uh

cut him down.

He was just, you know, swinging.

And uh and yeah, and and wow,
he's he survived, you know.

He he was unresponsive at first,
but he came back, got

bakeracted.

And the first thing he said to
me when he got back, you know,

he had like a red ring around
his neck, his eyes were all

bloodshot.

Was like, why'd you do that?

You know, why'd you cut me down?

And uh he didn't want to live,
you know, and I couldn't

understand how somebody with
five kids, seemingly successful

business, you know, we had jet
skis, we would go on the trips,

like he would go on these trips
uh doing coolant towers in Texas

and Louisiana, and he'd come
back, you know, he'd make like

sixty thousand dollars in two
weeks, which was a lot of money

back then.

Um, but it's a lot of money now,
bro.

SPEAKER_00: What are you talking
about?

SPEAKER_04: Two weeks these
days, we blow our nose with that

these days.

SPEAKER_03: But um, but yeah, so
so from that point on, I almost

took on like a like, oh, I've
got to take care of my dad now.

I've got to take care of him,
you know what I mean?

I've got to keep him alive
because he's obviously not

stable.

SPEAKER_00: I I have a question
uh on that just because that is

such a an insanely powerful
story that you just told, and

I'm kind of you know picturing
you and your family and your

siblings in my head, and I'm
curious.

I meant to ask you this earlier,
but do you see alcoholism and

addiction in your siblings as
well?

Or is it or were you yeah, yeah,
okay.

Can you were there ways that I'm
sorry to cut you off.

Were there ways that you saw
this situation like show back up

for you later on in life?

SPEAKER_03: Absolutely, yeah.

So um, so I've always been I've
seen my my younger brother and

my sister, um, they've been in
and out of rehabs.

They were like me, you know,
junkies, crackheads.

Um, but they've actually uh been
California sober for about 13

years now.

And then my two youngest
brothers are like little skater

punks, you know, they're like
like skateboard, got the long

hair and the tattoos, and and
they like they never got into

the hard stuff, you know,
they'll smoke and drink, but

that's about it.

Um suicidal tendencies, all that
kind of stuff has popped up in

almost all my siblings.

For me, I've never actually
directly had suicidal thoughts.

It's always just been like, let
me see if I survive this.

You know, like it's more of like
a recklessness.

SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03: Um, with the work
that I do, you know, I've been a

tree climber since I was uh 16
and um taking chances that

nobody else wants to take, or
doing a shot of dope, like, oh,

I'm gonna put all this in here,
and then you know, if I go, I

go, but I've never wanted to,
you know, shoot myself or hang

myself or anything.

I always have like this kind of
like false pride, like, oh

that's the easy way out, you
know.

Um just seeing my dad go through
it.

SPEAKER_00: How old were you at
that time when that was going

on?

SPEAKER_03: 11.

SPEAKER_00: You were 11, okay.

SPEAKER_03: Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: And when did you
start smoking weed?

SPEAKER_03: 11.

SPEAKER_00: 11, okay.

SPEAKER_03: Just before that,
yeah.

SPEAKER_00: Okay.

All right.

SPEAKER_03: Yep.

SPEAKER_00: And and so how did
it progress from that point?

Like, what did middle school
look like for you?

SPEAKER_03: Middle school.

Um, I reached a point where, you
know, and all this stuff was

going on with my dad, and you
know, it was bad because he was

successful, and then all of a
sudden he wasn't.

And and the jet skis started
disappearing, everything started

disappearing, and he would, you
know, pretend like he's gonna

make a police report and act
like somebody stole the stuff,

but we knew he was pawning it,
you know, and and uh he was

always gone.

I I went from being uh 4.0 to
hanging out with the little

gangster kids in middle school,
uh smoking pot.

And then we got into the core
sedents, you know, the triple

C's, the Huffin' Freon, uh
eating more and glory seeds.

I mean, you name it.

We were on, you know, all the
the uh websites that tell you

how to get high off of stuff
underneath your freaking kitchen

sink.

And uh before long, um, the next
big shift, I think, was the

first time uh because my dad
would sit in his truck, he

wouldn't come inside, he'd sit
in his truck all night outside.

We had we had moved from the
place over there across my home

depot in Castlebury on a lake.

So he'd sit down by the lake in
his truck and he would shoot

cocaine and smoke crap, he would
cook his own.

And so we'd sit in there and
smoke joints while he was doing

that.

He never let us do it.

And one day I'm like, come on,
man, you know, and so he uh he

gave me my first hit of freebase
when I was 12.

I was 12 years old, I did my
first hit of free base, and uh I

fell in love.

I fell absolutely in love with
it.

I was um I found what I thought
I was looking for, you know, for

a brief moment, you know, ears
ringing, face numb, everything

just shut off.

All this up here shut off, and
and I couldn't have been happier

than I was in that moment.

And no drug has ever made me
feel better than that moment.

And I've done a lot of crack
since then.

SPEAKER_02: Right, right.

SPEAKER_03: That was the best
hit of crack I ever did in my

entire life, was when I was 12
years old.

Wow, and um, you know, so all
the time after that, you know,

fast forward, um, and we would
take pills and do whatever,

basically whatever we could get
our hands on was what we were

doing.

We did the hallucinogenes, uh
drinking was always a part of

it.

Um, we loved to drink.

I had actually had periods where
I would get off a crack and just

try to drink to be more social,
you know, like to keep my

girlfriend happy or being able
to hang out around normal people

and be human, you know, because
crack's not like a real social

drug.

Uh you know, here about people
going to like a crack party to

like hang out and watch the
game.

SPEAKER_04: It's in the closet.

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: But um, but yeah, so
so that progressed, you know,

and and as a juvenile, I must
have got arrested, I don't know,

22 times.

Wow.

Uh stealing, went on the run,
you know, uh just boosting stuff

and and in and out of programs,
JDC.

Um and then when I was uh 17, I
had been messing with the

painkillers, you know, a little
bit.

And I I started uh 17 the first
time I injected oxycodone.

And and I thought that was my
ticket out of being a crackhead.

And so I I rode that that thing
as long as I could, and then I

ended up just doing a bunch of
both for a while.

SPEAKER_00: Naturally, yeah, if
that makes sense.

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: Um so yeah, and I
didn't even know about getting

sick, you know, until like one
morning, it's like, oh man, I

don't feel so good, you know.

And uh and I was talking to my
dad, I'm like, man, he's like,

Oh yeah, you're sick.

He's like, if you don't have it,
you're sick, you know.

You gotta you gotta have it all
the time, or else it helps.

SPEAKER_00: Yeah.

Well that explain that explains
the method and why he was so mad

at mom.

What was what was mom doing
during this time?

SPEAKER_03: Like, how was she
coping with she was trying to

keep up with five kids, and you
know, she was the one taking me

to my court dates and picking me
up from the the JBC and taking

me to the alternative school
when I get kicked out of, you

know, I got kicked out of school
and then I got kicked out of the

alternative school, and then I
got kicked out of the school

that you get kicked out of when
you get kicked out of

alternative school.

And so eventually you're like at
this 12-hour day, uh, sheriff's

deputies are are your teachers
now, 12 hours a day, and you're

in a jump, you're in a jumpsuit.

And uh so yeah, very troubled.

Uh the juvenile years were very,
very troubled.

SPEAKER_00: Yeah.

So your childhood even before
hitting 18 is what you know some

addicts go through in their
entire life.

SPEAKER_03: Right.

SPEAKER_00: Wow.

And so, all right, so you're
you're 17.

Did you graduate high school?

Did you end up graduating and
get get a GD or something?

SPEAKER_03: Uh I did later when
I was about 45.

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: Okay.

So what happens after high
school?

SPEAKER_03: Um, so I dropped out
at the very start of 10th grade.

I'm working at the I'm working
at the dog track.

My dad's locked up for two
years.

And uh uh stealing, we me and
him and my brother had gone on a

run for about six months, and he
had got charges, um, grand

larceny, grand theft from Orange
Seminole and Volusia County.

And so he had to go do two
years.

Um all I had to do, I was I was
uh we had warrants and stuff, so

we had tried to do the Jesse
James thing.

And um I ended up having to go
to a program for seven months.

Okay.

Um but yeah, he was dealing with
that.

I was um working at the dog
track and doing tree work at the

time.

Um every day was drinking,
Nattice, Steel Reserve, cheap

whiskey and vodka, um lots of
drinking, lots of smoking pot,

uh, around the social crew, you
know.

So we had like the social crew,
and then I'm in that, but I know

what I really want, you know.

So every I try to be a normal
person, but every week or so,

once every two or three weeks,
I've just kind of like

abandoned, you know, and go do
my little crackhead thing in the

woods and uh have to Explain it
to the girlfriend and you know.

Um my my uh there was a lot of
fights, um, a lot of drama that

went on in that time.

We had the same the same shed
that my dad hung himself in.

It was it was uh infamous in
Castlebury.

All the kids from Castlebury
would come and party in this

shed.

It was called the shop.

He would set it on the front.

It's a the shop.

Cops would get called every
night.

There's always fights rolling
around in broken beer bottles

and you know, just all kind of
crazy stuff.

So your house was wild.

It was wild, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

And my mom would kind of just
turn a blind eye blind eye to it

because she's trying to salvage
the other three kids that she's

trying to raise and work three
jobs and keep up with the

mortgage and the this and that.

And she kind of looked at it
like, well, these two, you know,

me and my the next brother down,
uh, they're these guys are too

far gone.

I can't control them.

I can't, you know, I don't want
them to get locked up, I don't

want them to go away.

But and um, and then probably
about uh what was it?

Probably about six or eight
months later, my dad gets out.

And when he gets out, you know,
he's got all the the connections

and he does good for a little
bit, you know, maybe a month or

two, and then one day, you know,
he's got that look.

And you could always tell my
dad, because he would uh he

would start trying to do some
kind of weird like home repair

thing around the house.

Like you have that like
crackhead face, you know.

SPEAKER_00: Right, right.

SPEAKER_04: I'm just working on
the blinds over here.

I'm like looking at it like I'm
like, dude, I know you what do

you got?

SPEAKER_03: You know, yeah,
yeah, yeah.

And uh and so the whole thing
just you know started all over

again.

Um been homeless, lived in
hotels a lot through those

years, a lot of hotels.

Um when I was 19, I was living
at my uncle's house on and off

because my mom wouldn't have had
me, nobody, you know, and uh so

we're at the end of our rope.

Like we're you know, we've we
had this big job at Disney World

that we burnt to the ground.

Everything we touch, we burn it
down.

Uh we're ripping people off for
tree work, you know, or we're

getting deposits and never
coming back.

We're you know, getting loans
from the uncle, getting loans

from family.

Um, but at least we're not
robbing people anymore.

And um and we just get to a
point.

My dad's online looking at this
place over in Okody, and he's

like, hey, let's he's like, I'm
going into this place over here.

And it was a faith-based uh
recovery place, and so I'm like,

ah, what the hell?

I'll go with you.

So we went to this place, and
I'm walking in, and I'm

completely physically dependent
on alcohol, uh, opiates.

Uh, I'm on the suboxin.

I got suboxin because you know,
people run out of the other

stuff, so we always gotta have
suboxin on you just so you don't

get sick.

Um and so we go to this place,
uh, and we're raging crackheads,

raging crackheads.

And so walk into this place
means people start praying over

as soon as we come in the door,
and they're praying, they're

laying hands on us, and I'm
like, this is weird.

I was raised Catholic, you know.

Yeah, yeah.

You're not doing that, all that
stuff, and so, but I don't

remember having any physical
withdrawals after that.

Wow, these people prayed for us,
and we went into this place for

uh seven seven months we were
there, and it was a faith-based

place, and they taught you all
about you know, scripture and

how to pray and how to do this
and spiritual warfare, and uh,

you know, there were some
elements that you know um were a

little cultish, but I didn't
know nothing at the time.

But that's that's where I
believe my relationship with God

uh really started was there
because I I could feel I could

feel a presence of something
good and uh and something

benevolent that I could feel
some sort of value that and and

love towards myself from
somewhere else that had nothing

to do with how much money I had,
um you know, what I had, what I

had to give, anything I had
done, it was it was just towards

me from and I believed it was
you know, I believe it was it

was God.

Um and so about seven months
later, um I've got a job at this

try to make it quick, but this
is a this is a kind of no, you

don't need to make it quick.

Well part of the story, all
right.

So I got this job after 90 days.

For 90 days, you're sitting in a
room studying for eight hours a

day, brainwashing, brainwashing,
right?

SPEAKER_00: I did team
challenge, man, so I get it.

SPEAKER_03: You know, it's so
you so it was similar to that,

and um, and I mean it, you know,
you're up at six o'clock in the

morning, worship, praise of
worship, raising your hands, and

and so I get this job at the
Harvest, which is the big food

bank over in Sanford.

Now, Sanford is my old stomp and
grabs because I know Sanford

like the back of my hand.

Um, and we used to say you can't
swing a cat around without

hitting a crack dealer in
Sanford.

Yeah, but um, so I'm working at
the food bank and I'm you know,

I'm like humming these songs all
day long, full of joy, full of

the spirit of God, and I'm just
like, man, this is great.

And uh they never gave me my
check up until this point, but a

couple days before I got my ID,
and the house manager who worked

with me at the same job usually
got my check.

He didn't come that day, so they
come and they give my check to

me on a Friday, and all of a
sudden, something switches.

And so I take my check, my ID,
and I'm out the door.

I leave my job in the middle of
the day, and I'm walking through

Stanford.

Um, I'm cutting down these
neighborhoods, and I think

they're gonna start looking for
me or something weird, and I end

up in this uh at this little gas
station, uh corner store, we

would like to call it.

And I walk in this corner store,
and this old lady, she's looking

at me, she says, Hey, um,
there's a bicycle outside,

you're gonna need it.

And I said, Okay, uh, what?

And I go outside, there's a
bicycle there.

So I grab the bicycle.

A couple weeks before, they were
talking about this is gonna I

know this is gonna sound crazy.

They're talking about how the
devil likes to bless you too.

So I walk into this guy, this
corner store, and the lady's

like, there's a bicycle outside,
you're gonna need it.

So I jump on this bicycle, I'm
riding, I know where I'm going.

I gotta go to Amscott, cash this
check, and then I'm going to my

guy's house.

As I'm riding on the bicycle,
uh, these two guys, uh, they

look like you know, something
out of San Quentin prison

documentary or something, pull
up in a truck and they're like,

they got you know face tattoos
everywhere.

And they're like, hey, uh, we're
from Daytona.

You know where we can get some
dope around here?

And I was like, yeah.

So I jump in with these guys and
uh we go, Ansgott, I go to the

guy's house, I go to the guy and
he's like, man, I haven't seen

you in a while.

I'm like, oh yeah, man.

I'm like, man, I got a
relationship with God now.

SPEAKER_05: I've been studying,
you know, the word and all this

stuff.

And the guy's like, man, that's
that's what my life's all about.

He's like, I'm in church every
Wednesday and every Sunday.

SPEAKER_00: I spell crack.

What do you mean?

SPEAKER_03: And so it's you
know, when you haven't seen your

dope in a long time, he gives
you like three times as much as

it usually gives you.

SPEAKER_00: Right.

SPEAKER_03: And so, anyway, I
got these guys, uh, these

Daytona guys, I gotta lose them
now because they're freaking me

out.

So I'm at the hotel and they're
trying to come in the hotel room

with me.

I lock them out, they're banging
on the door.

But that night, um, and from
that point, I never experienced

getting high the same way.

Having having a knowledge of
God, having a knowledge of a

better way of life, and getting
high is never been the same ever

since that point.

Um, you can get your you can get
your conscience doled out enough

by enough getting high to where
it's more flat, but like the

enjoyment of it is not for me.

This was my experience, is never
the same.

Because um, I mean, I was always
a paranoid, schizophrenic

crackhead.

Like, I'm seeing the shadows,
I'm barricading the door, I'm in

the peephole, I'm you know,
climbing out the second story

window, hiding in the woods.

Like, I'm that guy, right?

SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03: This time I'm
actually seeing stuff.

I'm seeing, you know, what I
think to be demons in my room.

And so I end up not getting
through the whole batch.

I'm flushing down the toilet.

Next morning, birds are
chirping.

I'm reading the Gideon's Bible,
doing my morning devotion like I

usually do, and I walk out of
the uh hotel room to figure out

what I'm gonna do.

You know, I walk out of the
hotel room, I look over, and the

uh the cleaning lady is the same
lady that gave me the bicycle at

the gas station in the hotel on
the other side of Sanford.

unknown: Wow.

SPEAKER_03: And she says, good
morning.

And I'm like, what in the actual
fuck is going on here?

Yeah, and and so I don't know
what any of that means, but um,

but yeah, and since that day
it's it's been um getting high

has never been the same.

Doesn't mean that it's enough to
keep me from doing it because um

because I continue to you know
to get high with with a

knowledge and an understanding
of God.

And I don't understand you know
how that works.

Um fast forward, couple more
programs, a lot more suffering

and you know uh wreckage.

Uh 2012.

I'm homeless at this point.

Uh my dad and brother have left
to go to treatment, and I didn't

go.

We were running together doing
tree work, and uh, so I'm

outdoors, you know, and I got a
little spot in the woods, and

I'm going out and I'm doing tree
work every day.

I wasn't I wasn't a sign guy, I
didn't like holding a sign or

nothing like that.

I I did tree work and I did
receipt scams because I made my

so I had a bicycle and I'd ride
around with my chainsaw on one

handlebar, and then I'd have my
rope on the other, and I have my

gear and like a little backpack,
and I you know cut people's

trees.

Sometimes I would finish the
job, sometimes I wouldn't.

I end up um, you know, one
morning my dad, who's clean now,

asked me to help him with a job,
and they tricked me that I get

to the job, they tricked me and
they did a march fine axe.

SPEAKER_00: Oof at the job.

SPEAKER_03: Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: Been there.

SPEAKER_03: Uh so I'm up in the
tree, and then the cop pulls up,

and I'm like, what's going on
here, you know?

But I was so tired, I didn't
want to try to like run away

from this diary thing.

I'm like, whatever.

So I go in the car, and I just
feel like this uh feel like a

warm, like a warm presence over
me, like I hadn't felt in a long

time.

And I get to this uh detox
place, and there's a tall uh

first guy I see, tall African
American man.

Um, he won't mind if I said his
name.

His name Chester.

This guy Chester.

He was the lead tech over at um
Paramorangore.

And uh, you know, he walks in
and during the routine strip

search, he starts saying all
these things to me.

He's like, you know, God's got a
plan and a purpose for your

life.

He's like, um, you know, if
you'll just follow his lead, if

you'll just stay in position,
you know, everything more is

gonna be revealed.

And I'm like, who is this guy?

You know, and he's telling me,
he's like, one day you're gonna

be coming back to this place,
bringing a message.

And I'm like, dude, can I put my
clothes back on?

Like, I'm sick.

I want to get to the med counter
so I can get right and take a

nap, you know.

And uh, and that that guy's
actually been a part of my life

ever since.

Wow, um, he helped my my whole
family get clean.

Um, so anyways, from there I go
to Spirit of Life Recovery

Center, where my dad and my
brother are.

And uh first day I walk into the
little group meeting, and

there's a man there, he's 80,
like 85 years old.

Man by the name of Jack.

Jack, um can I can I mention
names that are okay.

So Jack was sponsored.

He was sponsored by a guy named
Clarence.

Yeah, okay.

Clarence was sponsored by a guy
named Bob, who was a doctor.

SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.

No, you're fine.

You're fine.

SPEAKER_03: So this guy was
second generation from Bob.

And I'm sitting in front of this
guy, and he's like, he's like,

let me tell you something.

He's like, um, if you do these
steps, you do uh one through

nine, and then you live 10, 11,
12, he's like, you'll never have

to drink or drunk again.

It's like you won't need it.

And uh and he's like, I
guarantee it.

I'm like, really?

And so he proceeded to take me
through the steps in one day.

He took me through the steps.

Um, I lived that way for almost
seven years, about seven years.

I stopped doing 10, 11, 12 every
day.

That's when I started to fall
off, and I picked up a drink in

nine and a half years.

SPEAKER_00: Wow.

So I'm I have I have questions.

Uh I'm very curious.

So uh so he takes you through
the steps, he discharges, you

get out, or you're at a you were
in a facility, I assume.

Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I was there
for about seven months.

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: Okay.

What what did you do when you
got out of that facility?

SPEAKER_03: Went to a sober
house.

SPEAKER_00: Okay.

So and what what did your
12-step recovery look like?

SPEAKER_03: Uh going to
meetings.

Uh we brought meetings into that
detox every Wednesday.

We brought meetings uh back to
the spirit of life, and I would

sponsor guys from Spirit of
Life.

And that was my life.

Um lived in a sober house for
about uh maybe a year and a

half.

And the next big chapter came
along.

Me and this is me and my dad and
my brother all living in the

sober house together.

So we're we're like this, you
know, right?

And uh, and we're like, you
know, people are asking us to

come speak and tell our stories
collectively as the family that

recovered together.

And and then eventually, like
people are flying us out to Utah

and freaking uh Colorado, all
over the place to like give our

story.

Um but I you know, and we would
go to meetings almost every

night, almost every night.

We'd work all day, go to
meetings, and then grab some

people from the meeting, go to
steak and shake or somewhere,

and we'd be out.

You know what I mean?

Just like nothing going on, but
recovery.

SPEAKER_00: Shit's the best,
man.

It was amazing.

SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it was such a
way to live, and uh, and I got

to a point where like after
work, I was craving going to a

meeting.

You know what I mean?

And but all through this time,
and I didn't really realize it,

that I had my obsession was I
don't remember ever dealing with

my obsession from during that
period.

Fast forward about two years
sober, I'm sitting at uh

barbecue at the sober house,
it's all men, and all of a

sudden this uh this one guy
walks in and he's got this like

smoking hot redhead chip with
him.

I'm like, oh man, who's that?

Like, you know where you're at?

This is Pine Hills, you know.

And uh so she walks in and sits
down next to me, and I'm like,

hey, what's up?

You know, and we're talking, and
I'm like, hey, you know, I live

here at the sober house.

But uh, so we start we start
talking, and she's got like uh

she had like seven years at a
time, and she's an NA.

Oh, I'm sorry.

She's in the different programs.

It's fine, it's fine.

So so she's um she's a big deal
in her program, and I think of a

big deal in my program.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so we're talking, and and
you know, and I'm like, man,

something about her.

I was mesmerized by this girl,
and she she was a vegan when she

came to a barbecue.

Her friend told her it was uh a
pool party, but ended up

bringing her to a men's sober
house barbecue, and I ended up

convincing her to try a pork
sandwich.

Uh, and she loved it.

SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03: About a uh a year
after that, we're getting

married.

SPEAKER_00: Wow.

SPEAKER_03: We're getting
married four months later, we're

pregnant with our first son, and
then we had four kids like back

to back to back.

SPEAKER_00: And how long were
you sober at this point when you

when you had your first son?

SPEAKER_03: When I had my first
son, I had been sober for let's

see, three years?

Three, no, four, three and a
half, three and a half years,

yeah.

Okay, yep, three and a half
years.

Had our first kid.

Um my dad started drinking again
after he had yeah, he had about

four years.

Okay.

He started drinking again.

And uh we had a business we
built together.

Um, and I had to make a decision
and I confronted my dad.

It was really hard, really,
really hard.

Because me and him were so
tight.

Um and and you know, he
basically I prayed about it and

and I said, listen, I gotta go
do my own thing.

And then very next day started
my business um with nothing.

Like all I had, I had my pickup
truck and I had one chainsaw and

my last paycheck.

And so left all that that we had
built together, started my

business the very next day from
scratch, with trying not to go

back to the old customers that
we had, and just and it was

scary.

Um, my wife was terrified.

We had this brand new baby.

We're living in this house in
Orlando, and uh, you know, and

I'm just like completely
dependent on God now.

Like, I don't know what's gonna
happen, but I know, and I'm and

I'm for two days straight, I'm
knocking on doors from sun up to

sundown.

I could not sell, I could not
sell a floaty to a drowning man.

And I'm like, what in the hell?

What is going on here?

And then all of a sudden I start
getting um people that I haven't

talked to in years hit me up on
Facebook Messenger.

Hey, do you still cut trees?

Get all these jobs through the
backdoor despite all my efforts

over here.

And it's just it was just such
evidence of like God providing

that it it gives me goosebumps
just thinking about it because

um everything we needed, it
didn't make any sense how it was

working.

I mean, people didn't reach out
to me uh from middle school

about treats, you know, and so
it just it all came together and

uh and our business became very
successful very quickly.

Um we had our second, third,
fourth, um, you know, and uh

yeah, it was it was it's been a
beautiful ride going through all

that and and getting to meet my
kids and see them kind of grow

up and become their own
individual person, and and I was

so grateful at the time that
they could grow up with a sober

dad, you know.

Um but I believe that something
in me needed to be broken and

rebuilt.

Something in me needed to be
dealt with.

And uh, you know, my dad I think
I had about seven seven years,

and uh me and my dad weren't
really talking.

He he he took it pretty rough
that I left the company.

Um we weren't talking too much.

And uh the last conversation we
had wasn't great, but we're

having a company Christmas
party, and I get a call from his

uh new he had married a lady
from Korea, really nice lady,

and she calls me and she says,
Shelby, your dad, he fell down.

I don't know what's wrong.

And so they rushed him to the
hospital.

Um, he had a stroke, but it was
a bad it was a bad stroke.

Like he was he was like veget
vegetable state.

And uh we're all there, the
family's there, and I I open up

my uh I used to carry my Bible
around, putting it all over the

place.

I open it up, and it's the part
where there's the thief next to

uh Jesus.

And he says, Today you'll be
with me in paradise.

And I threw my Bible across the
room.

I said, I don't want to see
that.

And and so we prayed for I was
angry.

I was very angry.

We we prayed.

I stayed there every night.

I would come and sit with them,
pray with him, and try to talk

to him.

Like he'd squeeze my hands
sometimes, you know.

The doctors would have to run me
off because I wouldn't stop

praying for him, and I was
hoping that he was gonna make a

comeback.

And then about two weeks later,
he had another stroke on the

other side, and they said, Look,
there's no, there's nothing.

He's just there's no brain
activity anymore.

And the the aunt and my sister,
because I couldn't make the

decision, they had decided to
pull the plug on him.

And uh me and my brother uh
force, we took a break in the

middle of our tree job to come
over there, and we held his hand

when they pulled the plug, and
then we never talked about it

since.

We went back to work.

We went and finished the job
right after that.

And wow you know, I I went into
a really dark phase when I was

listening to like the freaking
Nirvana and Mud Vein and all

that shit again, and just like
going dark, you know.

Just going dark, not talking to
anybody, not praying as much.

I'm angry at God, but I won't
admit it, I won't say it out

loud.

My wife's like, what where's my
husband?

You know, and I blamed her
because I wanted her to act a

certain way while my dad was
dying and show up for me, but I

wasn't giving her anything to
work with.

I was just completely shut down
and uh buried myself in work.

And I think that's really when,
you know, if if I would have if

I would have been honest about
what I was going through with

somebody in recovery and made
myself and opened myself up to

that, I think that's where it
really started.

Was you know, it talks about
enlarging our spiritual life.

If we fail to enlarge our
spiritual life, we won't be able

to deal with the certain low
spots.

Right now, so that was a low
spot that I I didn't deal with

the right way.

And so that turned into a lot of
friction in my marriage to the

point where we're roommates,
we're we're like we're brothers,

you know.

Yeah, we don't we don't connect,
we don't really care to spend

time together.

We're just going through the
motions we have to kids

together.

And uh you know, it was really I
I did a lot of damage to our

relationship.

Uh we almost got a divorce a
couple times.

There was there was some really
rough years there leading up to

uh that first drink of freedom.

SPEAKER_00: What was it?

So it was at about nine years,
you were about two and some

change detached from from the
program.

Do you remember leading up to
and obviously, you know, it's

never the catalyst to a relapse
is never like what happens, you

know, 10 minutes before the
relapse, right?

It's always months prior, or at
least that's been my experience.

But but what do you recall from
from leading right up to it?

SPEAKER_03: Anger.

I was just angry all the time.

I was just angry all the time.

I felt all alone.

Um, I felt like I had to do
everything myself and nobody was

coming to save me.

And I would pray still, like I
said, I never stopped praying,

never stopped, you know, doing
my morning routine, but it felt

robotic.

It felt, you know, like I just
do this because it's the right

thing to do.

Um and there was just always
problems, everything was a

problem piling and piling and
piling and piling.

Everybody else is an idiot, and
they just cause problems for me,

you know, and I'm the guy that
has to come and fix it all, you

know, right.

And I had set my life up in such
a way to where nobody could call

me on that, you know, because I
wasn't talking to my buddies in

recovery, I wasn't talking to my
buddies in church or the pastor

or the the people that would
say, hey, do you realize how

insane that sounds?

You know, and uh and and life to
me at that point was just was

just drudging.

I'm just drudging through life,
you know.

I'm it's not about me, it's
about I'm basically a human

sacrifice so my wife and kids
can buy whatever the hell I

want.

SPEAKER_02: Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: And a punching bag.

And but there was, you know,
it's that victim victim

mentality uh was pretty heavy in
me.

I was angry at God, and uh my my
wife had a lot of, you know,

this is a big part of it.

She had a lot of health stuff
going on.

You know, having four kids back
to back was really rough on her

body, on her emotionally.

Um, and and she ended up the
last pregnant or the third

pregnancy, she almost died in
labor.

SPEAKER_00: Oh wow.

SPEAKER_03: Um, and we almost
lost our daughter, Abigail.

My my third Abigail, I named her
after Abigail in the Bible,

which means my father's joy.

And she is.

Um but um so she she developed
like some autoimmune stuff that

really restricted her from being
able to like get up in the

boring and show up for the kids
the way she wanted to, and uh

show up for me in ways that she
wanted to, and be able to do

anything relating to a normal
life.

And I that also was a big part
of because I was such a you

know, get the ball, pull up your
bootstraps, and you know, tough

your nuts up and be a man.

Like right, that was my whole, I
was like freaking just you know

crash into it, and and that's
how I always did things, and so

I couldn't understand or hold
space for her, and I think that

was really hurtful and isolating
for my wife during that time.

But you know, we did the whole
doctors, eastern doctors, all

these different doctors trying
to figure out what to do.

And eventually we landed on, you
know, she went to these uh

cobamar and tried drinking
Kratom and it gave her some

relief.

And so Kratom is now um, you
know, in and around the house,

and and you know, it's not her
fault because one day, you know,

I'm I'm sitting there, I'm
stressed, I'm always stressed

out, you know.

At this point, I'm like if if
heart attack is a 10, I'm at

like an eight and a half, you
know, all this sober, completely

sober.

I'm just like wound up, and uh
so I I say, you know what, fuck

it.

And I drink a crane.

And that night I slept like a
baby.

I felt so good, and it made me
feel like as soon as I I started

feeling it kick in, I was like,
oh man, this is a bad idea.

SPEAKER_00: Here we go.

SPEAKER_03: This is a bad idea,
and then it's like, well, I'm

just gonna do it every other
day, yeah.

Uh so I don't get hooked, and
then you know, next thing you

know, uh first thing in the
morning, I'm chugging the stuff

and trying to get and I'm high
knit, you know, and my little

cut thing and trying to keep
people from finding out.

And I got away with that for
about a year, um until you know,

we were in a pretty bad spot
where she was done.

She wanted a divorce.

She, you know, she didn't want
nothing to do with what we had

going on anymore.

And and uh one night I you know
by this point I I I'm on the

testosterone because I'm you
know I'm trying to like trying

to level up, you know what I
mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I'm on a testosterone to give
me the the needles, and then and

then I've seen a psychiatrist
and they give me the Adderall.

They're like, oh, you definitely
got ADHD, and I'm justifying

every step of the way I'm
justifying.

SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03: And then it's like,
oh, Adderall, needles, hey, you

know, so I'm shooting Adderall,
and then I'm like, you know

what's better than Adderall is
cocaine.

And so next thing you know, I'm
I'm looking for cocaine, I'm

finding it, and I'm shooting
cocaine, fentanyl, and then

eventually eventually cocaine,
fentanyl, meth, uh, you know,

spamac, whatever I can get, I'm
doing it all the time.

Um, you know, up for three or
four days at a time, and nobody

knows.

I'm still doing my estimates,
I'm still doing you know, my

things and and showing up at
home, but I'm like gray.

SPEAKER_00: When you say nobody
knows, do you mean nobody you

were doing estimates for knows
or your family?

SPEAKER_03: They probably they
probably knew something was

going on because I look like
death.

You know, this went off for
about two months straight.

And and now at this time, I'm at
the financial pinnacle of my

life.

Financially, everything looks
great.

You know, I've got the IRA, I've
got all these savings accounts

over here.

I've got four real estate
investment properties, I've got

the three tree crews working
every day, making me money, and

AMX, I got the platinum, you
know, with the big thick one

that looks like uh yeah, and uh,
and I'm like, oh yeah, I'm doing

great, you know.

It's a big I I have not done
drugs since I was the guy making

$120 a day.

Now I've got all these
resources, I've got all this

money, and so it's a totally
different thing than what I'm

used to.

And so one day I'm walking
around trying to put this bed

together.

My wife and I are technically
separated but living in the same

house, and I've got my
sunglasses on because I'm just

sweating obviously, and I've got
long sleeves to cover up my

track marks.

I carry women's makeup around to
paint my track marks with so no

one will see them.

Um, and my wife's like, What the
fuck is wrong with you?

She walks up and she's like,
Take your glasses off, and I

look what you know, and I can't
figure out I'm so whacked out I

can't figure out how to put this
freaking thing together for this

bed because I'm just like, you
know, and uh torture yeah, so so

I ended up that was my first
time going in, and it I mean it

was it was it was uh it was
horrible.

That was before I walked into a
meeting.

SPEAKER_00: When was this?

What year?

SPEAKER_03: This was 23.

No, 2024.

SPEAKER_00: Okay, I remember I
remember meeting you, I think it

was probably in 24.

Yeah, probably I remember you
you said, Oh, I got four kids.

I'm like, hey, you know, yeah,
we're kindred, bro.

Exactly.

SPEAKER_03: Yeah, so so uh 24,
and then I had two sober houses

I was operating, and and so I'm
operating sober houses.

I'm I'm going to and the house
manager, it's like noticing that

I'm I'm being weird, you know.

I'm going and collecting all
this money, and you know, and uh

and so there was a guy that was
in my sober house a couple years

before that I used to sit and
talk to all the time.

Me and him were like best butts,
and he found out that I was

fucked off, and so he basically
came after me.

This guy came after me, and you
know who he is.

And uh, and man, he didn't give
up on me.

He would pick me up every night
because he had been doing good.

The last time I'd seen him, last
time I had talked to this guy

was on the back porch, and I was
like, I would talk to this guy

for 10 minutes, and I'd be like,
Man, I want to blow my brains

out after talking, you know, be
like, this guy, this guy's

depressed.

I thought I knew what depress
was, this guy's depressed, and

I'm trying to cheer him up, but
this time he's coming after me,

and he's like, Hey, we're going
to a meeting.

And I'm like, I'm high right
now.

He's like, I don't care, I'm
going to a meeting, you know,

and he would take me to a
meeting every night.

And uh, and that guy, you know,
if it wasn't for that guy, I

don't think I would have ever
even cracked the seal enough to

even hear what recovery had to
offer somebody like me because I

this whole time I'm I am
terrified of walking back into a

meeting.

Do you guys know who I am?

I'm a guy, I'm a guy that I was
a circuit speaker, you know.

I'm a guy that took people
through the step.

I basically wrote this book, you
know, or whatever crazy shit I

have in my head.

Like, yeah, yeah.

I'm a big deal, you know, and
now I gotta come back here with

my tail between my legs and have
everybody say, look, see?

And and that's not at all what
happens.

Like I was thinking I was gonna
get ridicule, dressed down, you

know, like, all right, you're
taking these badges and we're

giving you a wooden pistol from
now on.

You know what I mean?

And uh, and so I walk in there
and all I got, man, was love and

compassion and grace, and people
just checking on me, you know.

You get the occasional smart ass
combat for people, but you gotta

take that for what it is.

And and uh there's I just
received so much love from men

in recovery that um it makes me,
you know, and you've seen me

come in, you've seen how many
white chips I've had to pick up,

you know.

When when I fall down, I know
exactly where to go back to.

And what that means, I don't
know if I'm here as an example

to the guys that like, hey, this
is what can happen, you know,

but I don't want that to be the
truth.

Like, I want to be able to get
I've got 15 days right now, you

know, and uh just the amount of
love and the amount of

connection that I've found in
recovery, the friendships, it's

like nothing that I've ever had
before.

I had my septic tank backed up
in the house, and there's shit

water all over this office right
here.

That's the worst was flooded
with shit water uh three months

ago.

I called my called my sponsor,
and uh he's like, Yeah, I'll be

there in 15 minutes.

My sponsor came over and helped
me vacuum up shit water for

three hours, and I was like,
Man, can I please give you pay

you or buy buy you lunch or
something?

He said, Absolutely not, and I
just couldn't get over that kind

of thing, man.

Uh even the guy that was taking
me to meetings, I was like,

dude, can I buy you some gas?

And I I was like, Why are you
doing this for me, you know?

And he's like, somebody did it
for me, you know, and uh Yeah,

you know, to be able to live
like that and not want anything

from re in return, and to be
able to rely and know that God's

gonna take care of me as long as
I uh you know, what does it say?

Performance work well, right?

Like show up for the next guy,
help his kids, you know, the

ones that nobody else wants to
help.

A lot of people told me, you
know, they're like, oh, I had to

lose everything to to get this.

I had to, you know, and I don't
think I don't I haven't lost

everything, but the everything
that I was afraid of losing, I'm

not afraid of of losing anymore.

Like it's not everything to me,
you know.

Um if if you know if I'm gonna
get sober, if I'm gonna get

sober and stay sober, it's not
gonna be because of fear of

losing anything.

It's not gonna be because of
fear of losing a marriage or or

fear of being a dead beat guy.

It's gonna be because I found
the power.

The power is it's now working
in.

And because of being honest, you
know, and that's that's been a

big struggle for me because I
have a lot of shame um coming

back into this program.

And I and I worry that, like,
you know, I'm putting a bad, you

know, I worry that I know it's
not the truth, but the lie is

that oh God needs me to act
right in order for him to be

God, and that's not like God
doesn't need me to stay sober

and do a good job and make a
good example for him to be who

he is, he's gonna be who he is
with it regardless.

Like, if I want God to operate
through my life and be uh

effective in my life and live a
life beyond my wildest dreams,

then yeah, I want God to use me.

Um, but the way I live or fall
or get back up or fall down and

get back up is has nothing to do
with the display of who God is.

Like he is who he is,
regardless.

And that's something that you
know I I know, and so it's it's

painful to to keep falling down
and getting back up and falling

down.

And I just feel like uh like a
like a spectacle, you know, like

uh like a clown, like the guy in
the dunking booth, you know.

But I'm the one throwing the
ball.

SPEAKER_00: And uh yeah, man,
your your story, there was

probably a half dozen times in
your story that I was like, that

is you just told my story, you
know, it was it was identical.

And and I remember, you know,
being in treatment, oh god, I

guess it was two and a half
years ago or so.

And it was the first time I had
gone to treatment and I hadn't

lost everything, you know.

And I know you've had that
experience recently, and it was

it was the first time I had gone
into treatment and realized that

the thing that scared me the
most, or the thing that I didn't

realize is I already had
everything I actually wanted in

life.

It was already available to me.

All I had to do was just show up
for it, you know?

Um, and that's that's the
feeling I get from you as well,

man.

And I and I have a question, and
I don't I don't know if this

question is gonna work or if
it's gonna land or or are or how

it's gonna go.

But um if if you weren't you, if
you were, I don't know, somebody

else talking to you, right?

What would you say to Shelby?

SPEAKER_03: I would um if I was
me talking, talking to me as

somebody else, uh, I would say,
you know, I would say, hey, I

love you, man.

I'm proud of you.

Um, I would point out all the
times that I have gotten back

up, and I would say that that is
proof that you're not too far

gone right there, and not to
give up on yourself.

And I would say I love you, and
I would say that um, you know,

uh I would treat myself like
somebody that I love and cared

about, and and I wouldn't give
up on.

Yeah, and that's that's been the
real struggle for me.

SPEAKER_00: I'll tell you one
one thing that I latched on to

from your story, and of course
it was something I had to kind

of infer from it, but but I'll
tell you how it showed up in my

life, and maybe you can tell me
if if this was similar for you,

is I I operated with most of my
life with this big I'm not good

enough wound, like in the bottom
of my gut.

And where where that came from,
it was never said to me, but but

I was really good at baseball as
a kid, and I you know, when I

would hit home runs, I would
notice that I would get that

that love and affection from my
dad that I couldn't really seem

to get otherwise.

And so I the conclusion that I
came to was if I achieve, then

I'm worthy of these things.

But if I don't, I'm not.

And and that stayed with me for
a long, long time.

And even through my long period
of sobriety, I achieved a lot.

I'm very successful company, all
sorts of different things, but

that wound was still there.

And I noticed that that when it
didn't heal that thing that I

thought it was gonna heal, I
blew it up.

And I would consistently just
blow it up every time.

Um, you know, and and if I could
say anything to you, Shelby, it

would be that you are completely
worth it.

And uh and you're definitely
good enough, man.

And and we love you so much,
buddy.

SPEAKER_04: I love you.

I appreciate it.

SPEAKER_00: I'm really, really
grateful that you came on and

chatted with us today, pal.

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I'm glad we
could do it, and I'm glad I

could be a part of it.

And you know, anything I can do,
I'll be thank you, my friend.

SPEAKER_00: Stick around after
after we finish up.

For anyone listening, thanks for
thanks for tuning in.

My name's Austin.

I've been on with uh Shelby and
that you on the next episode.